Here's Looking at You

Jan 2015

T 🩷 I G A 

Summer is its very own filter. Everyone just looked extra glowing with sunblock as their signature fragrance. Or maybe, it wasn’t summer, everyone was just happier than Taiga. 

“Are those tears?” Shintaro teased, flashing his white teeth; a perfect contrast to his tanned skin.

“Fuck off,” Taiga sneered and when Shintaro turned his back on him, he finally let out a sigh. His claps faltered, but the cheering grew louder as the bride and the groom kissed in the middle of the dance floor. The woman in the pink satin wedding gown was just radiating with happiness. 

And she was Taiga’s first love. 

But no one really believed him. No one took him seriously when he said that he was in love with their Year 10 English teacher. She was also his main driver for joining their school’s theater group, even though he couldn’t do anything but be a tree, and he even dragged Shintaro to become a lighting staff.

He sighed once more, the cheers hushed, and the music became sweet and mellow. The newlyweds started slow dancing, and the humid afternoon was not enough to deter them while they hugged closely, murmured sweet nothings, and just basked in love. 

Taiga tried to smile, genuinely this time, and thought how first love is called “first love”, because it was never meant to be his last. It would just be the beginning. And he guessed, this wouldn’t be his first heartbreak too. 

“This beef just melts in my mouth,” said Shintaro as they resumed eating. 

“Everything just melts in your mouth,” said Taiga, eating a spoonful of his mashed, while Shintaro seemed to be swallowing everything without chewing.  

“When are you going back to Uni? Fams will be going on a cruise to Auckland up until Australia Day. Want to tag along?” 

Taiga is brimming with jealousy. Last summer, Shintaro and his family went hiking in Patagonia, while he spent his summer break helping out with his family’s sushi restaurant at Sydney Fish Market. 

“I wish. I have to help out at the restaurant. It’s extremely busy during summer.” 

“What for? You won’t be inheriting it.” 

Taiga chuckled. “You know my dad. Anyway, how’s uni?” He asked instead to change the topic. Shintaro and he are both incoming college 2nd years. Shintaro stayed in Sydney to study Communication Arts, while he went all the way to Victoria where, to his father’s dismay, he decided to take a PreMed course. Who says all Asian parents want their kids to be doctors, engineers, or lawyers? Definitely not his dad.

“I’m still a virgin.”

Taiga almost choked on his steak. “That’s not really what I want to know.” 

Shintaro looked so pleased to have shocked him as he continued to eat, his mouth almost full that it was a miracle he could still speak coherently. “Uni is more lax than I expected. Well, it’s not like my lectures are that hard compared to yours. How about you?”

Taiga shrugged his shoulders. “Hmmm, not that lax, but I don’t feel like it has gotten busy. After all, I still have the time to go back here for summer when I could have just stayed there and studied.” 

A glint sparked at the corner of Shintaro’s eyes as he whispered urgently, “Becca, I mean, the now Mrs. McInerny is coming here.” 

Taiga’s heart started drumming. The alluring smell of fresh daisies and vanilla wafted to their table as his fellow theater group paused in gorging their meal to greet their former club adviser. 

“Taiga, are you okay?”

He almost yelped when Shintaro elbowed him. “You’re just too breathtaking,” he said, utterly mesmerized before he could stop himself. Becca’s face radiated tranquility, and Taiga thought that drew him in. Becca provided reprieve during the chaotic years of preparing for Uni.

“I mean…” he smiled and owned up to his feelings, “Well, I really mean that. Congratulations, Becca!” 

Becca smiled widely. “Thank you. You’ll always be one of my most diligent students that I’m proud of.” 

Taiga remained smiling. That was all he was, just one of her countless students. She resumed greeting those in the next table, while he could only look wistfully. Becca is like his summer, it has the power to make him suffer, and toast his tofu skin, but he still likes it anyway. But just like every other season, it has to end and pave the way for fall.

 H 🖤 K U T O

Hokuto could get really unlucky after a bit of luck. It was lucky he was able to get that free mX newspaper. Then, he quickly found a vacant seat during a busy Friday night, but what came after was just a string of bad luck. He scanned the free tabloid to distract himself that the carriage was boiling, the woman beside him was overloading his nostrils with her perfume, and the guy across from him looked stoned and must have winked flirtatiously at him several times. He picked up mX to entertain himself during another dreary commute but was clowning himself. 

The commuters thinned out after Chatswood, his eyes on alert for a vacant seat while he fanned the paper on his face and debated if transferring seats would lead to another bad luck. But when the bloke beside the stoned guy started trimming his nails, that was the last straw. Hokuto stood up and walked to the nearest vacant reversible seat, the lady's perfume still clung to his shirt, so he fanned harder, hoping it would dispel the smell. 

The train slowed and stopped at Killara. Hokuto watched the door as a few passengers entered, and the smell on his shirt was briefly forgotten as a guy in a white tuxedo entered. Hokuto increased his fanning. The guy must be a masochist for wearing a tuxedo in the middle of summer. 

Mr.Tuxedo chose to stand by the door despite the vacant seats, he loosened his bowtie as though he had a personal grudge against it, he checked his phone as though it also offended him, and when he was done checking, he let out a long sigh and Hokuto could feel the heaviness emanating from it.

Hokuto could only sympathize. He didn’t know what Mr. Tuxedo was going through, but he could relate to his mood. After all, Hokuto just learned that he needed to go back to being a freshie because none of his subjects from Billy Blue College of Design would be credited as he changed majors. His parents would surely throttle his neck. They were already against him choosing a design course, and now that he decided to switch, his ass would surely be whipped.

He sighed and watched Mr. Tuxedo finger-combed his hair and glancing at him with his big eyes. Hokuto didn’t want to be rude, but it was hard to avert his gaze. “Androgynous” must have been invented for Mr. Tuxedo, his face was a cross between handsome and pretty, but he also gave off a spiky air that suggested he was hard to approach.

Mr. Tuxedo didn't seem to care about Hokuto’s staring as he shifted his gaze back to the summer’s late sunsets. 

Hokuto sighed once more and focused his eyes on the weird fabric used for public transport. However, there must be an invisible string between them, because Hokuto stole another glance, and this time, he quickly turned away. He unfolded the tabloid and riffled the pages. The print just floated around as his mind returned to seeing a tear fall from Mr. Tuxedo. The guy must be really struggling with something more than heat exhaustion. He let out a deep breath as the train decreased speed, he looked up surreptitiously to see Mr. Tuxedo alighting at Wahroonga. 

Hokuto jolted and cursed. Another bad luck. He couldn't recall if the train skipped his stop, or he just missed it altogether.

He made it to the platform before the door closed. The newspaper was still in his hand as he glanced over to the retreating white tuxedo. 

Feb 2024

T 🩷 I G A

“I was listening to Double Z on my way here, and he said that if you’re spending V-day alone, you might as well consider joining Flame Island ,” Taiga narrated as soon as Shintaro opened his door to greet him. 

“You’re not alone today, you’re with us,” Shintaro said tearfully, pulling him for a hug and adding, “You’re the best bruv”  when his wife and his 2-year-old baby came into view.

Taiga forgot all about being single on Valentine's Day and shoved Shintaro away to carry the cutest human being he had the opportunity to call his goddaughter.

“How is my little munchkin cutie potato,” he said, burying his nose on her chest that smelled of fragrant milk. As though she understood him, she squealed with delight and pinched his cheeks, Taiga could feel her baby nails digging into his pores. 

“Stop that Kekiokolanee, your godfather and I need to do lots of cleaning.” 

Taiga rolled his eyes and looked at Kiera, Shintaro’s wife. “You really should have not let him name her.” 

“It’s nice. It’s unique,” Shintaro argued. 

“Yeah, it’s nice and unique, but wait until she starts school.” He returned Kekiokolanee to her mother as he and Shintaro headed to the garage to start their business for the day. The Morimoto family would be moving to Canberra as Shintaro got a job at a Japanese embassy. 

“I just returned here a couple of years ago and now you guys are leaving,” he said sadly, scanning the mess in the garage. It looked like Shintaro and Kiera emptied all their drawers and cupboards and chucked everything in the garage. 

“The money is too good to pass up. Plus, they agreed on how I want my vacay to be used. By the way, don’t be shy, I know that a huge chunk of our stuff would be thrown away outside, and fingers-crossed, the dumpster divers had it clean by the morning. So, if you want anything - anything - just say so and take it.”

Taiga grinned and eyed the Honda motorbike. “That one will help us in deliveries. You also have an electric scooter, right?” 

Shintaro actually looked relieved. “Take it and thanks heaps.” 

Taiga grinned again. He felt a bit shy about taking stuff from his best friend, but he made a mental note that he should at least buy Kekiokolanee her first car. 

“Are most of these yours?” Taiga spotted a tray of old Nokias, Blackberrys, and Gameboys, and he couldn’t believe they had that much. Taiga thought he hadn’t used more than 10 phones since he started having phones. There were also four metal shelves by the wall, two of which were chock-a-block with worn-out office storage boxes. 

“I say, 50/50? Kiera’s quite a hoarder, too,” said Shintaro while he started shuffling albums of CDs and DVDs, “But those boxes are her’s, she studied law until she got burnt and gave up on it.” 

“Really? Didn’t know that.” Taiga knew Shintaro met Kiera when he worked as PR for a large law firm. 

“All of those are up for grabs - I think. Do you want them?” 

Taiga frowned. “Why would I need them? Let me still check if some personal documents got misplaced.” He opened one box and scanned binders over binders. All of which were full of legal jargon that his simple mind found too hard to comprehend.

“Have some chips and soda,” said Kiera as she entered the garage.

“Uhm, thanks, but we just started,” said Taiga, he didn’t want to sound ungrateful.

“I’m famished,” Shintaro said and grabbed a handful. 

Taiga simply shook his head and opened a clear book. “Oooh, what are these clippings…Here’s Looking at You?” 

Kiera giggled and blushed while Shintaro scoffed. 

“Remember those love notes on mX?” asked Kiera.

Taiga nodded. He is familiar with the column where readers would send love notes to anyone who had caught their interest during their daily commute. Taiga’s mom would always bring home a copy and he would read it with passing fancy. Secretly, he hoped that someone would drop him a note.

“That was how she met her boyfriend - ex-boyfriend ,” muttered Shintaro, looking so unimpressed. “For real, people who send those messages are the same breed you meet on dating apps nowadays. They’re either losers, weird, have criminal histories, sex offenders, and psychopaths. There are no in-between.”

Kiera slapped Shintaro’s shoulder and Taiga shared her disgust. 

“That’s very judgy,” said Taiga. He felt offended on behalf of those who mean well. “I think most of them sounded normal and…cute.”

Shintaro wasn't easily persuaded. “If they are normal and cute, they won’t have problems asking someone out face-to-face.”

Kiera raised an eyebrow. “Tell me, did you leave a note and never got a reply?”

Taiga chuckled and teased his best mate. “I can see him doing something like that.” 

“Duh. Me? People lined up to ask me out,” Shintaro countered, “I won’t even be surprised if someone left a note for me during those years when I still didn’t have a car. I'm sure the train commuters got sad when I stopped riding it,” he added with confidence despite the reddening of his face. He pointed to the clear book on Taiga’s lap and said, “That belongs to the bin,” he finished.

“These are a lot,” said Taiga, still smiling as he flipped the covers.

“Not really,  those were just a year’s worth before the paper ended. Was it 2015 when they shut down?” 

Taiga nodded and started reading some of the ads, which according to Shintaro, were placed by losers and weirdos.

“To the goth girl with nose piercing and got off at Flemington last Sunday morning. Nice tatts, want me to do you another? — Goth boy

 

“To the cute little blonde having an opal trouble at Townhall station at 8am Tuesday, want to get on and get off sometime?” — Geoff

 

“To the stunning chick with purple leggings who got in at 8.14 Bondi Junction and off at Martin Place last Friday, I’m the guy across from you with purple tie, want to catch up?” — Purple but not Barney

 

“To the gorgeous tradie at 4.01 from Parramatta to Blacktown, want to trade numbers?” — Jessica

“Kyomo, did you come here to read that?” asked Shintaro, looking a bit miffed.

“Sorry,” said Taiga, only noticing that Kiera had gone back inside and as he rose from the floor, another note caught his eye. 

“To the guy wearing a white tux that got on at Killara to Wahroonga. We briefly met each other's eyes. Do you need someone to talk to? I’m all ears. — CFM6

Taiga’s heart raced while he read the note again. The clip is dateless but there was only one incident where he wore a white tux, and he got on at Killara to home –  his teacher’s wedding. 

His heart continued to drum, and after making sure Shintaro wasn’t looking, he took a snap of the clip. 

CFM . Every boy who went to an all-boys school at North Shore knows that abbreviation, CFM stands for “Chives, Figs, and Mortar”, a hole-in-the-wall restaurant at Hornsby, which he could only hope is still open. 

 H 🖤 K U T O

“Six years single…does that make me weird?”

“Of course not,” replied Hokuto, interlacing his fingers while finding himself distracted by Allison’s heavy-set of eyelashes. “You were in a long-term relationship that ended badly, and giving your heart a break is a logical choice.”

“But I think the dating scene has changed a lot.”

“Is that why you joined Flame Island ?”

She nodded glumly, anxiety flashing on her almost orange face from frequent suntan. “Is true love even possible here? Or do I have to settle for money at the end?” 

“Cut!” 

Allison, the Islander , was immediately attended by the make-up artist while their program director, Howard, praised her for her last line. 

“I love that question you threw in, it gives you an ‘I’m a hopeless-romantic but also a gold-digger’ vibe.”

“Ta! I thought of that line!”

Hokuto ignored their exchange of empty flattery and snatched the beach towel behind his seat to cover his bare torso. 

“Hokuto!” Howard turned to him, his hands moving as fast as his lips. “Gorgeous as always. The stoic look fits you perfectly, but can we try to look a bit - just a bit - less annoyed?”

Hokuto uncrossed his arms, revealing his naked torso. “I don’t know, maybe I’ll look more thrilled if I’m allowed to wear a bloody shirt or even a fucking tank top.”

Howard had the audacity to appear surprised at his demand. “But we’re supposed to give the viewers an island vibe.” He gestured to Allison, who was just in her string bikinis, while they chatted by the pool. 

“We’re not on Sentinel Island. We even have a pool and a mansion, why can’t I have clothes?”

“Let me talk to the wardrobe department, maybe they can give you something like a net shirt or perhaps, a lei .”

“A lei?!” He repeated, flabbergasted. “What’s next? A hula dance?” 

Howard gave him a dismissive wave and moved on before Hokuto could protest further. And after his quick talk with Allison, he returned to his assigned dressing room. Calling it a “dressing room” is being generous since his wardrobe only consisted of extremely short boardies that could pass off as boxers but waterproof. 

“After this season, I’m so done,” he muttered to his agent, who was grinning and absorbed in his phone.

“Even if they hike up your salary?” He asked, not looking-up. 

“I will still leave,” he said with finality, while he put on real clothes. 

“This show is the reason why your appointment calendar is fully-booked until winter.” 

Hokuto scoffed. “Fully-booked of women who are trying to sleep with me.” 

“No men?” 

“I’m not interested in them either. Let’s go,” he said, put on his sunnies, and left the bayside mansion.

Hokuto was lucky to get a job right after registering as a psychologist. A senior from Uni recommended him to be a guest counselor for the reality show, Flame Island . The said show is Big Brother, Survivor, Bachelorette, Bachelor, and Playboy Mansion rolled into one. The contestants, more famously called “Islanders”, would try to find their match and at the end of the season, they have a choice to remain a couple or split-up and take 50,000 dollars. When Hokuto heard about the show, he deemed it trash TV for him to even spend minutes on it, but he couldn’t say no to a senior. 

He was supposed to be a guest for only one episode since the show’s resident psychologist got COVID, and unfortunately, the said psychologist never recovered and Hokuto was asked to return for the rest of the first season. At first, he did enjoy assessing and helping a bunch of B and C-list celebrities and influencers, but he later learned that he was too naive. None of the “islanders” gave a fork about love. They were too narcissistic for love, and most were just in for sex, money, and their 5-minutes of fame. It was rightly called “Flame Island, because once the flame goes out, so do their feelings. 

However, if there was one thing - and one thing only - he was thankful for the show was that he was able to open his practice. But the main consequence of being recognized from the show was that a chunk of his clients wanted his help in fulfilling their sexual fantasies with him. And as a professional, trifling with his clients is something he would never do. 

He reached a popular place in his teens and grinned seeing how it went from a hole in the wall to a sprawling estate that even has a ranch and golf course. He parked his car next to the new CFM building and instantly spotted his two best mates as he came in.

“Jess, Juri!” 

“Is that our sexiest psychologist alive?” Juri teased. 

“Shut up!” He said with gritted teeth as he lowered himself on the seat. “I haven’t been here for ages!” He feasted his eyes around the Viking-inspired interior with wooden beams, hanging candle lanterns, chevron-printed walls, and long wooden dining tables. 

“They really ramped up this place!” He added, impressed. 

“It’s posh now and anyone under 18 should come with an adult,” said Jesse, leaning closer as though he was telling a secret.

“Blimey. All the boys' schools nearby have to find a different hangout then.”

Juri looked disgusted. “Lucky for us, because I don’t know about you guys, kids today are an absolute nightmare.”

“I’m sure your mama said the same thing about you,” said Jesse, chuckling.

“By the way, have you ordered?” asked Hokuto.

“We did,” said Juri, “I ordered your fave.”

“Double siders with chips on the side, no cheese, drizzled with dragon’s blood instead of tomato sauce,” he and Juri said together. 

“Nice of you to remember.” They fist bump and Juri added, “That’s 16.99.”

“Eh? That used to be 4.99! When did it get so exy? Kids wouldn’t be able to afford this,” he complained. 

“Granny,” said Jesse, chuckling, “Kids today get a tenner for allowance.” 

“Per week?”

Jesse cackled louder. “Per day.”

Hokuto gasped. “Either their parents are rich or mine are cheapskates. I had to beg to increase mine to a fiver when I was in Year 10!”

Juri shook his head. “Everything is more expensive nowadays.”

Hokuto agreed. “If I’m paying 16.99 for burgers, I should have had oysters instead.”

“Who goes to CFM for oysters?” asked Jesse, looking repulsed.

“They don’t have it here? I’ve been craving oysters.”

“Why would you need an aphrodisiac?” asked Juri, his smile full of malice, “Are you hooking-up with any of the Islanders?”

Hokuto ignored Juri’s teasing. “Thank you for reminding me I’m solo, but you two are not, so why are we meeting for Valentine's?”

“Love is for everyone, mate….” said Juri but the next part of his reply became white noise as something caught Hokuto’s eye. Or rather, someone. 

“Taiga.”

Hokuto felt like he was watching the first episode of Flame Island where islanders entered the mansion in slow-motion; their hair perfectly blown by the wind, their sun-kissed skin glowed under the harsh lights, and their body proportions highlighted. That was how Hokuto saw Taiga as he entered CFM, but except for Taiga’s striking looks, there was nothing else remarkable. Taiga was dressed almost the same as how he saw him again; an all-black ensemble that was loose fitting to his slender frame. 

He sat at the bar area near the entrance and whispered something to the bartender who gave him a menu. Hokuto sighed. It was hard to define his relationship with Taiga. They knew each other by name. They’ve chatted more than once. They’ve found themselves in odd or awkward situations. They’ve seen each other at their best and their worst. And they’ve done stuff Hokuto never imagined doing with Jesse and Juri. Despite all that, he couldn’t put a label on their relationship. 

The doors opened again, and a woman pushed a pram toward Taiga, before she went out in haste. Taiga broke into a smile and the room seemingly brightened. He lifted a baby from the pram and showered the baby with kisses, whose giggles reached even Hokuto.

Something trembled within Hokuto that made him hold his chest. A deep sorrowful feeling takes over. The man he once waited for 9 years ago is now a father and a husband. And just like the first time he ever saw Taiga, he could do nothing but look.

Mar 2016

  T 🩷 I G A

Never in Taiga’s life did he think there would come a day when he had to debate whether to steal something or not. 

Technically, he won’t be stealing the book. He would be just a few tables away and use it while in the library. But if someone else is using it, would that count as stealing? He looked around the busy Hargrave-Andrew Library; it was an impressive sight that the semester had just started but students were already cracking it. More seats were added to accommodate extra students since two other libraries were being renovated, and although the library looked packed, it was unbelievably hushed. 

Sighing, he checked his watch. He'd been standing at the same spot with the book he wanted and whoever had been reading it had taken a long time to return. 

“ They like colors, too ,” He observed, seeing 15 pieces of midliners of varying shades. 

“Scuse.” 

Taiga stepped back as he came face-to-face with a guy with the straightest nose he had seen on an Asian guy. Taiga thought the guy looked familiar, but he couldn’t place where he had seen him. And he couldn’t be racist with his kind by saying all Asians look alike. Or maybe, the guy looked familiar because he was what every Asian parent would be proud of - tall, good-looking, he looked obedient, probably played the piano or the violin, he’s probably good in Math, too, and since he was reading Anatomy and Physiology, he would definitely be a doctor. 

One odd thing though, the guy looked astonished upon seeing him. He even took off his glasses to scratch his eyes. And now, he just looked at him with wide-eyes.

“Uhm, sorry for standing here,” said Taiga, he was starting to grow so uncomfortable that he started doubting his sanity. The guy didn’t answer back and just stared at him in bewilderment.

“Uhm, are you done with this book?” he asked, pointing at Elaine Marieb’s Human Anatomy & Physiology, “I really need it and all the copies have been taken. I mean, there are other AnaPhysio books but this is what I preferred.”

The guy didn’t budge. Not even a blink. Taiga wondered if the guy was an international student and his accent was too thick to comprehend. 

He cleared his throat and asked slowly, “Are…you…done…with…this…book?”

Amusement flashed the guy’s face, or it might be just Taiga’s imagination as the guy resumed to his perplexed self.

He sighed and gave up. “I guess you’re not done with it. Apologies -”

“You can have it.”

“Pardon?” Taiga thought he heard a voice, but he might be mistaken because it was really small. 

The guy cleared his throat. “You can have it. I’m done with it, but had to take it back for a bit so I can copy something, and I just haven’t gotten back to returning it.”

“Ah, right.” Some people have it all, Taiga thought, the guy has a nice voice too. The type one could listen to forever even though the topic is boring. 

“Uhm, I’ll be taking it then, cheers!” 

He quickly went back to his seat. Feeling unnecessarily elated and as soon as he sat, he checked the back and saw nothing but a barcode. He bit his lip at this foolishness. He was too dumb to think that his Uni library would be like his Year 6 school library where he would deem it as fate if he saw his crush’s name as the previous borrower of the book. Not that he has a crush on the guy, he was just curious. He should have at least introduced himself before he took the book.

He glanced back and saw the guy’s seat now vacant. 

There would be another time, he guessed. 

H 🖤 K U T O

It was raining cats and dogs when Hokuto reached his flat, but he was on fire. His face was hot, and his heart thudded against his ribs, while he continued to rub his sweaty palms on his jeans. 

He locked the door of his room and sank to the floor. His string of good luck today seemed to have exceeded the bad. First, he was able to borrow the book that had always been unavailable. He found a vacant seat at such a busy library. He reached his flat before the rain fell. But the highlight of everything that Lady Luck had been blessing him with was meeting him. 

HIM. 

Mr. Tuxedo . 

The guy he foolishly left a note for at “Here’s Looking at You.” The same guy who, if he had seen his note, had stood him up and probably thought he was crazy. Well, he admits that he’s a tad unhinged for doing what he did. He even thought he was being smart by putting on CFM as a clue, because if the guy lived in Wahroonga, he might have gone to a nearby all-boys school and knew the place. 

But the past meant nothing now. Sure, it would go down as one of his most embarrassing moments that he waited for 5 straight days at CFM at 6 pm since his note was published, but no one else knew that but him. So what were the chances he would see Mr. Tuxedo again after more than a year? 

“Is this fate?” He murmured. 

“It’s not fate.”

He almost yelped when Kochi sat up from his bed. His clothes were all wrinkled as he stretched his arms over his head.

“What time is it? It was so cloudy earlier, I fell asleep,” he asked, half-speaking and half-yawning. 

Hokuto immediately checked his watch. “It’s 5.”

“Oh! I just missed my 3 pm class then,” he said casually and checked his phone, “the fuck this phone didn’t alarm. Oh - I set it for tomorrow at 3 pm. By the way, what about this fate you were talking about?”

“Fate…Fate/Stay Night…the anime?”

“Ah, I think I’ve heard about it.” 

Hokuto smiled. “It’s nice,” he lied. He never saw it either. 

Kochi made a noncommittal nod before going to the loo, and Hokuto sighed in relief. No matter how friendly Kochi was, he was still walking on eggshells around him. Maybe because Kochi wasn’t only older, he was also his Uni senior. Both of them are in the field of Psychology, the only difference is Kochi gearing up to become a psychiatrist, while Hokuto would stop at being a psychologist.

“I should have at least asked for his name,” he murmured, removing his jumper, when Kochi opened the door to the toilet, and a swishing sound spiraled down. 

“Is there a way to know who borrowed the book before or after you at the library?”

“Barcode. Just scan it,” replied Kochi as he turned on his lamp by his study table. His notes and books were all neatly lined-up, but Kochi started reading a crime novel instead. Hokuto wished he would be as chill as Kochi once he reached the fourth year of his Bachelor's. He was already struggling as a 2nd-year student, but Kochi still acted as though everything was just a walk in the park.

“Really? That easy?” 

“But, of course, you should be working at the library to gain that access. Why?” asked Kochi, tilting his head.

“Uhm, j-just curious.” He resumed stripping before heading to the showers. Now that he knew that Mr. Tuxedo went to the same Uni as him, there could be another chance their paths would cross. 

He could only hope. 

Feb 2024

 T 🩷 I G A

The moment Kekiokolanee decided to upchuck her chickpeas on him, Taiga became convinced that going to CFM for dinner was probably a bad idea. 

“Keki,” said Shintaro through clenched teeth, and Kekiokolanee flinched from her high chair. Other parents would switch to a whole name when their kid did something unacceptable, but Shintaro would revert to a nickname.

“I’m fine,” shushed Taiga, seeing her goddaughter about to cry, “She didn’t mean it.” As though Kekiokolanee understood, she gave Taiga a beaming smile even though her eyes remained teary. 

“I have another shirt in the car, I’ll get-”

“I’ll get it,” cut Taiga and Shintaro reluctantly hands him his car keys, “I’m just going to get the shirt, I’m not going to drive it.”

Everything seemed to have gone wrong when he decided to head to Chives, Figgs, and Mortar. The 9-year-old "love note” had been a huge factor, or maybe because it's Valentine's Day and he felt an ounce of self-pity for spending another year alone. 

It was hard for him to explain and he couldn’t tell Shintaro either after what he said about the kinds of people who sent those notes. But after years of thinking that he had become indifferent, the note stirred something in him. He couldn’t even name it, but it made him feel a bit alive. It made him feel human. The note lit the vast darkness in him, slowly waking up what he thought had died.

However, it remained true that it had been 9 years. What the heck was he expecting? Was he expecting the person who sent the note to be stupid enough to keep returning to the same spot every year? Taiga was mad to even think of that. If the person actually did something like that, he wouldn’t see it as romantic, he would see it as madness. An obsession. Someone he should avoid rather than entertain.

And one thing was for sure, people changed and feelings changed. Even CFM has changed drastically. It was no longer the place his mom warned him not to go or he might get food poisoning - if poisonous spiders and venomous snakes won’t get to him first. Now, the place is even full of adults of various sexes. Some were there with a group, or for a date, and it was no longer a boys’ hang out with a secret code. Besides, CFM could mean differently to the person who left the note, it could have been their initials. Six could also mean 6 inches or 6 feet. He would never know.   

“You’re mad, just mad. You rejected those blind dates your mom set-up for you, but you would show up to a stupid ad - 9 bloody years later!” He gave himself a sniff as he finished changing. When he was satisfied that he no longer smelled of chickpeas and stomach acid, he chucked his soiled clothes to the bin. He checked his reflection while he washed his hands, he was pleased to see that the tinted sunscreen he used was giving his skin some badly-needed color, and he also couldn’t help but smirk while reading the print on his shirt, “Kekiokolanee’s Papa”. 

The door opened and the smirk on his face changed to surprise. “Hokuto,” he called the name like a memory he wanted to cherish but needed to forget.  

Hokuto seemed equally surprised. “T-Taiga.” 

He quickly dried his hands and continued as casually as possible, “I didn’t think I would run into you here. But yeah - I’ve seen you on the telly so you’re definitely in Sydney.” He just downplayed it, when in truth, Flame Island was his guilty pleasure. 

Hokuto smiled shyly. The same Hokuto who once looked so reserved and bashful around him. Seeing Hokuto was like seeing that 9-year-old love note - a chance he’d passed up and now it was too late.

“So, uhm…” he trailed off, Hokuto’s eyes were on his shirt. “What are you looking at - ?”

“Your daughter has a nice name.” 

“Your Daughter? Oh! You see-” 

The door opened again, and due to limited space, Hokuto was pushed toward him, and Taiga’s flimsy athleticism wasn’t able to stop the force until he was backed to the cubicle where he just changed his shirt. 

A heart-throbbing kabedon moment. And every frayed nerve in his body slowly waking-up.

Hokuto’s almond eyes remained stunned, while Taiga’s hands stayed on his pecs. And all he could say was the muscles he saw on the telly were definitely real.

“Sorry,” said whoever pushed them, sounding irritated before they heard locking sounds.

“What’s that smell?” asked Hokuto, pinching his God-sculpted nose. 

Taiga took a quick sniff, it was definitely coming from his soiled shirt in the bin. 

“I - I don’t smell anything,” he said with a straight face, “Anyway, nice seeing you again. I guess I’ll see you around.” He quickly stepped away from the scene of the crime and relief flooded in him as soon as his surroundings smelled of freshly-cooked food. 

Meeting Hokuto that way was like a blueprint, it was embedded in their DNA. If there’s meet-cute, theirs will always be meet-awkward or meet-cringe. 

He found himself smiling as he reached his “daughter”. Kekiokolanee smiled sweetly at him while she smeared chocolate on her face. 

“Something happened?” asked Shintaro, “You looked happy.”

Taiga just shrugged, it was nice to feel genuinely happy for a change and he wondered, would he get another awkward meeting with Hokuto to correct his mistake? 

 H 🖤 K U T O 

Hokuto hadn’t drank coffee, but his heart wouldn’t relax. Being that close to Taiga sent him spiraling to his past self, his past emotions, and everything else he thought he had forgotten. 

The meeting in the loo wasn’t an accident, Hokuto really went there because not only did he want to see Taiga, but he also wanted to see how Taiga would react upon seeing him. Taiga, as expected, was chill and all, and Hokuto thought he would be fine, but hours later, he did nothing but create fake scenarios in his head. 

“He already has a family, idiot, what are you even thinking - or worse hoping?” He chided himself while he prepared Luke’s dinner. 

Luke, his 7-year-old Saluki, looked at him with utmost concern.

“I’m overthinking for nothing, am I not?”

Luke’s right ear perked up, as though saying, “Yes!”

“I need to empty my mind.” He placed Luke’s meal before heading to his favorite part of his home - his “Mind Alcove”. 

His alcove was a half-circle space between his dining room and living-room. The realtor said that the space was made for an indoor fountain because it’s good feng-shui but they forgot to add plumbing so it never materialized. Hokuto decided to transform it into his relaxing space by adding a round bed, his favorite Chiikawa plushie, an embedded bookshelf to hold his favorite comfort books, and various hanging plants by his pane windows. But the main attraction of his favorite corner is the view. On nights when his mind is in chaos, the serene Rose Bay provides him the much-needed pause to refocus. He opened the windows, the humid air activating every sweat gland of his body, as he let out a deep sigh. 

“Empty your mind…focus on your breathing…inhale…exhale….om…om….om….”

Luke is done with his meal, he can hear him slurping water from his bowl. 

“...om….om…Taiga really has pretty eyes…empty your mind…inhale…and exhale…om…om…”

He could hear a baby crying from a distance. Or he thinks it’s a baby, it could be a lyrebird mimicking a baby.

“...om…his wife is also pretty from a distance, and the other guy with them with thick necklaces looks familiar, and he looks pretty close to Taiga’s wife. Are they siblings? They might be siblings. What am I thinking….inhale…exhale….om…om…”  

His phone started ringing and on cue, Luke started barking. He opened one eye and put it on silent. Kochi can wait, his chaotic mind will not, and Luke stopped barking.

“ ...om…om…Taiga’s eyes are really dangerous territory, I should have not looked into it…om…oh fuck!” He swiped to green as the buzzing began irritating him. 

“This better be important,” he muttered with a sigh, foregoing niceties. His relationship with Kochi has drastically changed since Kochi graduated and when Kochi married one of Hokuto’s best mates. Nowadays, Hokuto can confidently talk back and be sarcastic with Kochi. 

Kochi chuckled at the other line. “Cranky, are we? This is what happens when you’re single on Valentine’s.”

“Shut up - what do you want?” 

“I want to refer-” 

“If it's another blind date, I refuse!” He interjected, his tone shrilly.

Kochi scoffed. “Blind date? Are you serious? Do you think I would send another poor soul to you after you stood up three amazing people I got for you?”

Hokuto didn’t feel an ounce of guilt as he cleared his throat. “Well, I can’t help it if something comes up.”

“Oh, you mean like an overseas psychology conference you decided to attend at the last minute?” 

“I thought I would be too busy for that, but surprise, I got a vacancy in my calendar after all,” he reasoned-out when in reality, it was really last minute and the price of his flight from Sydney to Dallas was astronomically high.

“Or what about the time you overslept because you were too hungover?”

“Not my fault everyone was a hard drinker at the Island, I even thought I would be a goner.” Again, a lie. He didn’t even drink much and spent his day playing suika . 

“Or the time you had a dog emergency, because you thought Luke might be a she?”

Hokuto gasped, this was the only truth out of all his excuses. “I swear, I had no idea male dogs also have more than two nipples!” He looked at Luke, who was too absorbed in biting his nightly treat of dental sticks.

“You can rest easy, this isn’t a blind date,” said Kochi, sounding impatient, “I want to refer a patient.”

Hokuto sighed. A referral from Kochi isn’t a referral but an order. 

“Name? Case?”

“About that…” Kochi paused and Hokuto listened to a bit of rustling. God forbid, Kochi wasn’t making orders post-sex. That’s eeew. 

“I was wondering if you could observe and talk to him for a bit.”

Hokuto sighed. “Whose life are you meddling again?” 

“It’s not meddling,” said Kochi defensively. He was the type to diagnose everyone he passed-by and had the habit of handing out his business card to everyone he thought needed his help.

“He really needs help. You can try talking to him and see if you’ll take his case.” 

He sighed once more. He trusts Kochi’s judgment more than his own. “Where can I see him?” 

“Sydney Fish Market.”

“Oh cool, I was craving oysters.”

“Are you mocking me-”

“No, I’m serious. I really want to buy some oysters. He works at the fish market?”

“Yes. They ran a sushi place called ‘Kyomoto’s’.”

His heart skipped a beat, or more like, stop. “Kyomoto’s?”

“Right, and the man I want you to check is Taiga Kyomoto.” 

He dropped his phone on the bed and the crying from the distance grew louder. There’s no chance his mind will be empty tonight. 

Mar 2016

 T 🩷 I  G  A

Taiga was on his third open souvlaki when the unexpected happened. At first, he and his flatmates didn’t think much of the shouting they heard, it was the Moomba Festival after all, and some people could get a bit rowdy. Until the shouting started resembling a battle-cry, and people were running in their direction with confused and terrified looks on their faces. 

He and his two flatmates exchanged fearful glances, before scrambling to save their necks as some blood-curling energy grew nearer. Taiga was freaking-out, but he couldn’t leave his food and frantically brought his open souvlaki with him. He regretted not ordering it as a wrap, and he couldn’t believe he was thinking about food when his flatmates were no longer within his reach because he was too slow, too busy eating a chip, and too busy looking back at what was the commotion about in the first place. 

Then, his gluttony became his downfall. It was too late to think what tripped him. He didn’t even want to admit he might have tripped himself, his lamb souvlaki scattered in the air, and as he landed on the ground, all he managed to save was a triangular cut of pita.

“ I’m fucked. ”

This must be what dinosaurs felt after the asteroid hit the earth, something unfathomable happened but they had no idea, the landscape changed and their body grew weak. He struggled to stand; people ran everywhere, and some jumped over him. He also scraped his knee, it stung and made him wince from merely taking a step. There was also a change in the air, something spicy and peppery hovered, he began sneezing uncontrollably, and even opening his eyes became a challenge when he felt someone’s strong arms around his shoulders.

“Over here.”

The voice sounded familiar, but the touch was not. 

“Is that you Yarn?” He asked, pertaining to his taller flatmate.

The man didn’t answer, or maybe he answered but the whistles became louder. He didn’t know how short the walk was, but the air became cooler, and soon, he heard the gushing of water. 

“They sprayed something in the air, go wash your eyes.”

The man guided his hands toward the faucet, holding them gently as though Taiga’s hands were fine china.

“Is the water too hot?”

“It's fine,” said Taiga, letting the water run down the tip of his fingers before scrubbing his face hard until he could open his eyes again. His eyes and nose were red.

“Here’s some paper towels-”

“You? The guy from the library?” asked Taiga while water dripped down his chin.

The man smiled shyly, his eyes and nose were also a bit red. “Yep, Hokuto, by the way.” 

Taiga smiled back. “Taiga - nice to see you again, Hokuto.”

A slight blush crept on his cheeks and handed him the towels.

“Where are we?” He asked, while patting his face dry. The room looked like a small pantry, several plates were being dried out on the sink, and on the table was a glass of red wine. 

“South of Swanson St. I work here.”

“On a holiday?”

Hokuto shrugged. “It’s Moomba so there will definitely be customers. We closed earlier, but we decided to look around, then, our manager treated us to dinner when we heard some commotion. What happened out there?” 

Taiga shook his head. “I have no idea either. I thought I was going to get crushed by the crowd.”

“I think the police used pepper spray.”

“Oh! So that’s that smell! Uhm, thank you for saving me out there.” 

His ears turned red. “No worries. By the way, you were holding onto this.” He took something from his pocket and Taiga didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. It was his fucking pita. He began to wonder if he was really afraid of getting crushed, or was he afraid his only surviving pita would get crushed?

He sighed and took the pita from Hokuto. 

“Why don’t you sit first?”

“Huh?” He let Hokuto guide him to the nearest stool before he opened a few drawers and took out a red pouch with a cross. 

“You scraped your knee.”

“Oh…yeah.” Hokuto knelt in front of him, and before he could stop Hokuto, he began cleaning his wound. A curious warmth spread all over him, finding himself deeply perplexed while he watched Hokuto. 

“All done,” said Hokuto, placing a square band-aid. He looked-up and Taiga averted his gaze. He munched on his pita, unsure why he felt so self-conscious toward another man.

“T-thanks.”

Hokuto simply smiled and reorganized the kit. 

“Uhm, if it’s still open, do you want some souvlaki?” asked Taiga. He had no idea why he made the invite. Part of him was just being nice and grateful, but part of him wanted to explore that curiosity.

Hokuto looked back with disbelief, he was probably wondering how Taiga could still think of food. But Hokuto smiled and nodded.

Taiga smiled, too, letting his gluttony be his downfall again. 

 H 🖤 K U T O

They didn’t get to eat souvlaki. The Greek place closed because of the chaos, rumored as a clash between two gangs. Hokuto and Taiga walked in silence to Flinders St to take the train to Huntingdale. The platform was filled with commuters who must have also attended the festival. The celebratory mood was gone and everyone just looked exhausted; they started resembling zombies. He turned to look at Taiga, green veins were very visible underneath his pale skin. Hokuto thought he had too much good luck today, and he wouldn’t be surprised if this train ride would be his own “Train to Busan”.

The train pulled in, and everyone scurried to find seats, all eager to go home. 

Hokuto sighed as soon as he sat. All the adrenaline that built up upon seeing Taiga and bringing him to safety was starting to crash. 

“I’m really sorry,” said Taiga, who sat beside him. 

“What are you sorry for?”

“Didn’t you just sigh?”

Hokuto smiled. “It’s not about you, I’m just…tired.”

“Because of me,” Taiga insisted.

“No, it’s really not you,” he insisted back and added for good measure, “It had been a long day, there were lots of shoppers earlier, but they mostly gawked at the clothes, and won’t buy anything.” 

“Okay,” said Taiga, still looking unconvinced, “By the way, your job is quite far from the Uni.”

“Ah that, I used to study Fashion Design and Marketing and when my then-professor learned that I would be moving here, he recommended me there.”

“Fashion Design? That’s so cool!” said Taiga and his eyes practically lit up. “I don’t know anything about fashion - as you can see.”

“Nah, you’re good,” he retorted. Not because he was biased or anything, but Taiga’s loose white tee and plaid shorts might not be that flattering, add that he bought his clothes 2 sizes larger than his frame, and a fedora didn’t compliment his look. But if one looked past all that and just concentrated on his pretty face, nothing really mattered. 

“So you’re just…nice?” asked Taiga.

“I’m not.”

“Uhm, you just want to flatter me?” 

Hokuto chuckled. “I’m being factual, you look…” He trailed off, looking Taiga from head to toe.

“I looked…?”

“Great.”

Taiga almost snorted. “You’re definitely lying.” 

“I’m really not.” 

“Uh-huh, let’s just say I believe you. So, you changed majors?” 

Hokuto nodded. “I’m taking up Psychology now.”

Taiga’s lips formed an o. “Quite a jump.” 

He agreed and nodded. “It is.” 

“You said you moved here, where are you from?” 

“Sydney.”

Taiga was immediately floored. Hokuto felt tense when Taiga grabbed his hand, clasping it tightly as though they were making a pact. 

“I’m from Sydney too,” he said, looking so grateful one would think that Taiga was being dramatic. Hokuto is aware that there’s a bit of animosity between Melbourne and Sydney, but he didn’t think Taiga is - in any way - being discriminated against for being a Sydneysider.

“I kn - nice!” He almost said, “I know”. Nevertheless, he decided to test the waters. “Uhm, I went to North Star Academy, how about you?”

Taiga covered his mouth in disbelief. “I know that! I went to an all-boys school as well, Great Shore Grammar.” 

“Ah, your uniform was the one with a pink checkered tie, right?”

“Right! Our school mascot used to be the Pink Panther,” said Taiga, “Until someone complained that the Pink Panther is copyrighted so we became Pink Flamingos instead.”

“Ahhh,” he mumbled. He didn’t want to add that his mates made fun of their school mascot the last time they attended an Athletics Championships. “Uhm, did you also hang-out at CFM?” 

“Defo!” He replied eagerly. “Did we see each other there? Because I thought you looked familiar when we met at the library.” 

Hokuto tried not to look too happy. Taiga thought of him as familiar and as shallow as it might be, that soared his spirits. 

“But probably not,” Taiga continued, “It’s quite far so we only go there like once a month. I think I haven’t been there since I graduated Year 12.” 

Taiga’s statement was like an answer to what had been bugging him. Taiga had never gone back to CFM, and Hokuto’s mX posts back then were either ignored or never seen. 

The train started to drop speed as they reached Huntingdale Station. As the majority of train commuters were students like them, Bus 601 became filled instantly. Taiga and he stood side-by-side, and disappointment could be seen in Hokuto’s reflection. He’d been telling himself it didn’t matter if Taiga never saw his note, what mattered was they were now literally speaking to each other and wasn’t that what he wanted? 

“Uhm, do you stay on campus?” asked Taiga, still looking high that he met someone akin to a comrade.

“South East Flats,” he replied, wondering if Kochi was at their flat. 

Taiga nodded. “Not that far from mine, do you want to come over?”

The disappointment on his face receded and was replaced with a delicious assumption. “Are you sure? But we've only just met.”

Taiga still looked elated, unperturbed by his sally. “Of course! We’re both from the North Shore, we’re basically brothers, and…” Taiga leaned closer and whispered, “I have an amazing stash of noodles.”

Hokuto hoped the grimy bus floor would just swallow him whole. The words “brothers” and “noodles” kept banging his head, giving him a much-needed whiplash to wake himself up. 

He and his dirty mind. “Sure, why not.” 

They reached Clayton campus and as soon as they got down, a red-haired woman jumped at Taiga and kissed him fiercely right there and then. Some commuters ogled, others hooted, and even the bus driver honked his horn. Meanwhile, Hokuto stood like a stone, and absurdly wished he suffered from some kind of dissociative amnesia.

It was Taiga who broke the kiss, his face suggested he found the sudden display of public affection quite awkward. But the woman seemed oblivious.

“I was so worried!” She exclaimed in an accent Hokuto didn’t quite know where to place. “Yarn and Shaun went home without you. Me gave them all a whack in their tiny heads, how dare they leave you there?! Are you okay?” She asked, circling Taiga like a hawk. 

“I’m okay,” said Taiga, still looking a bit in a daze as he remembered that Hokuto was with him, “By the way, this is the person who saved my life, Hokuto.” 

Hokuto wished he remained a non-living thing at that moment, but he came back to life when Taiga linked his arm to him. 

“Hokuto, meet my girlfriend, Ailsa.”

Ailsa had the same “amaze face” as Taiga earlier, her green eyes turned a darker shade of emerald. “Thanks for saving me boyfriend,” she said and without preamble, she kissed both of Hokuto’s cheeks. 

“You’re god-sent.”

“He is,” agreed Taiga, “so we’re sharing him with our ramen stash.”

Ailsa agreed with such an odd determination on her face. “If he wants our flat, we give it as well.”

“Uhm-” His phone rang and Hokuto wanted to kneel and thank the queen for this grace. He quickly answered his phone and acted as though the other line was in an emergency. But it was Kochi, checking if he was okay since he heard the news of what happened downtown. 

“Wait for me, don’t do anything rash, I’ll be there immediately,” he said.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” muttered Kochi and Hokuto ended the call quickly and looked at Taiga and Ailsa’s expectant and frightened faces.

“What happened?” asked Taiga. 

“It’s nothing, really, just a friend who was…dumped so badly he was thinking of ending everything.”

They both gasped.

“I really need to go, he needs moral support.”

Taiga eagerly nodded. “The ramen can wait, go, I hope your friend will be alright.”

“Bye, nice meeting you, Ailsa.”

He turned around, and increased his pace until he broke out to a run. His good luck for today had run out, and he had to tire himself out so he wouldn’t have time to dwell on his stupidity.

No one was really dumped, just someone who’s really dumb. 

Feb 2024

 T 🩷 I G A

Finishing 300 episodes in 2 weeks is a feat Taiga is proud of. Not that anyone cared about his One Piece obsession, except those who were obsessed as well. But it’s 2024 and most One Piece fans had long finished the episodes he just started watching. Even if he found other fans, he doubted they could be as enthusiastic as he is now. Although One Piece would remain special to any fan, that excitement of watching a new episode was probably lost on them. There were times Taiga regretted not starting the series earlier, but if he thought deeply about it, he never thought he would be turning 30 and catching-up to an anime.

He increased the volume when he heard someone wailing. There must be some kind of baby boom in his neighbourhood that he could hear cries almost everywhere, and he thought his walls were supposedly soundproof, or that the economy was bad.

He lazily checked his phone when it buzzed. It was an email from their strata manager, informing everyone that due to some internal issues, all residents must bring their rubbish to Camellia for disposal. He groaned and kicked his feet in the air, the thought of walking uphill to Camellia already drained him. 

“What would Luffy do?” He asked himself as Luffy in Gear Second stands on screen. “Do I need to ask? It sucks that he rarely complains.”

He forced himself out of his couch, which also doubled as his bed from the past nights of his One Piece marathon. He paused the show and dragged himself to empty his bin, as well as picked up two more bags he left by his door. 

“Why do main characters have to be goody-two shoes?” He murmured as he left his apartment.

The “Garden Homes” consisted of four 2-storey apartment buildings. Taiga lives in Hyacinth, the first building and on the bottom of the hill, it’s followed by Cornelia, Basil, and on top is Camellia. The residents of the hot pink building are not just lucky for not having to throw their trash elsewhere, Taiga heard that they have an obstructed view of the beach, while Taiga had to content himself with a view of another residential place. Not that he cared much about views, he couldn’t remember when was the last time he pulled up his blinds. 

He reached Camellia and quickly threw his sacks of rubbish in the designated bin. The uphill walk and muggy night leave him oozing with sweat, a small price for the majestic view of CBD. Growing up in the suburbs, he always craved to live closer to the city, but now that he is in the city, he can no longer appreciate it. It was like him starting One Piece in 2024, he felt too old and too late to enjoy it with anyone else but himself.

The downhill walk was definitely easier and the breeze showed a bit of mercy. He opened his phone’s gallery to check the 9-year-old Here’s Looking at You post, and just like One Piece, the post came too late for him. The sender had definitely moved on, leaving Taiga to wonder what the person saw in him during that train ride. But one thing was sure: whatever CFM6 saw in him, that person was gone. Taiga was nothing but a remnant of his past self. 

His steps grew lighter, almost skipping as his purple apartment came into view. He could live another week to add more episodes to his One Piece marathon as he hummed “Crazy Rainbow”. He just took another step when a strong force pulled him, making him twirl and drop his phone, and he found himself wrapped in someone else’s arms. 

“Hokuto,” he said in a sing-song voice as though he was still humming “Crazy Rainbow”.

“The fuck are you in the middle of the road, mate?” someone hollered followed by a powerful thrust of an engine. 

Taiga swallowed hard. His heart pounded as hard as the car’s engine, while his body tensed just by looking at Hokuto’s eyes. It was like how Luffy looked at Rob Lucci earlier; the intensity was enough to make him quiver. 

“What are you doing in the middle of the road?” asked Hokuto. Taiga could detect simmering anger from Hokuto while his hold on his arms might cut his blood flow.

Taiga shook his head. He had no idea he strayed from the footpath. “I-I didn’t realize I was in the middle of the road.” 

“Really, Taiga?” Hokuto cocked an eyebrow and his tone was almost threatening. “The car’s engines can be heard a mile away and you just casually stepped in the middle of the road?” 

“I didn’t hear it,” he insisted and ramped his bravado, “And what is it you’re suggesting?”

He watched the muscles on Hokuto’s face make tiny movements, as though he was having a battle within him. Taiga didn’t even dare to breathe, but he didn’t avert his eyes either. Hokuto sighed and loosened his hold on him. 

A phone rang, and a dog barked fiercely, and that was when Taiga saw a slender giant dog beside Hokuto. 

“Quiet, Luke!” muttered Hokuto, “Hold him for me.” Taiga took the leash from him and he could only follow him with his eyes as he picked up his ringing phone in the middle of the road. 

“The corner top screen cracked,” said Hokuto, handing him his phone and a “missed call” prompt on the screen. 

“T-thanks,” he mumbled, “Uhm, I lived there,” he added, pointing to the purple building.

“I lived in Camellia,” said Hokuto. 

“Oh…so we’re practically neighbors.” 

“Uh-huh, I’ll walk you home,” said Hokuto, not sparing him another glance as he crossed the road. Like a kindergarten in need of help. He could tell he angered Hokuto, but he could also do nothing but stare at his apartment’s building, its name embossed on a gold plate by the concrete fence, Hyacinth. 

“Go in,” said Hokuto, still not looking at him.

“Do you know what Hyacinth means?” 

Hokuto scowled, still looking pissed as he asked, “Why do I need to know that? Go inside,” He ordered like a dad telling his son that he’s grounded.

He sighed once more. “Okay, uhm, thank you.” 

He slowly walked to his apartment complex, his hands balled to fists, while a thousand things ran through his mind. He glanced back to the gate before he went up to his flat, and Hokuto was no longer there. 

“It meant seeking forgiveness,” he murmured to no one. He was sorry for a lot of things. He was sorry to a lot of people, but most of all, he was sorry to Hokuto.

Because in that split second, he really wished that the car just ran him over.

 H 🖤 K U T O

“I can’t do it.”

Kochi looked up, frowning. “You’ve given this a lot of thought?”

“I didn’t even sleep thinking about it.” He sat on the lone blue reclining chair and propped his feet up on the ottoman. “You have no idea how much I think this through. Even Luke couldn’t sleep because I kept tossing and turning.”

“Care to tell me how you arrived at the conclusion that you don’t want to see Taiga Kyomoto?” 

Hokuto glanced at Kochi, who had resumed writing on notes, before scanning Kochi’s therapy office. Unlike his clinic where he opted for minimalism and neutral shades, Kochi’s clinic looked like some chic room of a beachfront property that was featured in Belle magazines. The walls were yellow and lacquered, chairs were upholstered in royal blue velvet, and a digital fireplace opposite him created a relaxing and hypnotic ambience. 

He held his gaze at the fireplace, the digital flames moved like fingers stroking his chin, tempting him to spill his secrets. “I actually know Taiga.” 

“You do?” asked Kochi without looking up. 

“I first saw him on the train 9 years ago. T1 bound to Berowra. He looked sad, and thought he might need someone to talk to, so I left a note for Here’s Looking at You in mX that night. Don’t judge.” 

“Sorry, occupational hazard. And I know you know him. I’ve seen you together on campus.”

Hokuto sat up straight. “So you offered me this while knowing that?”

“Well…I didn’t know you’ve liked him for so long-”

“Hold it! I didn’t say anything about liking him.”

Kochi scoffed. “People don’t leave ads in mX for platonic stuff.” 

“But I was really just concerned about him,” he insisted.

“And this is why you are rejecting my offer to see him?”

Hokuto opened his mouth and hesitated. “Wouldn’t this count as a dual relationship? That’s unethical.”

“Are you friends?” 

He knew Kochi’s question wasn’t meant to antagonize him, but it did hurt him. “It’s hard to say, uhm, acquaintances? That is still within the bounds.”

Kochi made a show of thinking about it, but Hokuto had this nagging suspicion that it was all an act. Kochi knew all about him and Taiga, even though Hokuto never told him anything. Kochi might even know things that he didn’t know about. That made Kochi a force to be reckoned with in their field, he knows when one is lying, and he also knows when one is withholding something. 

“Point taken,” he said after a while.

Hokuto sighed. “Thank you.”

“I wouldn’t want you to lose your registration for falling for your client-”

“Why are you thinking that way?” 

Kochi just smirked and it annoyed the hell out of him.

“By the way,” he continued, clearing his throat, “W-what’s the deal with Taiga?” 

Kochi’s eyes glinted with mischief. “Why don’t you ask him - as an acquaintance?” 

Hokuto cleared his throat again, focusing on the fake fireplace rather than Kochi’s teasing smile. 

“I saw him last night…” He recalled when he headed out to throw his trash and walk Luke, “...I don’t want to assume but -” 

“But you’ve already made an assumption and perhaps a conclusion?” Kochi finished for him.

“There was a speeding car last night. The hoon’s engines were practically roaring, you can hear it a mile away, but for some reason, Taiga just went ahead and stepped in its direction.”

He observed Kochi’s face for any reaction but it remained blank. 

“You think he purposely did that?”

Hokuto just nodded, clasping his hands as the fear he felt last night manifested in cold sweats along with tightening in his stomach.

“I see,” said Kochi, drumming a pen on his table. 

“Uhm, so, are you going to tell me-”

“No,” he said with finality. 

Hokuto sighed, groaning.

“He never replied?” asked Kochi.

“Hmmm?”

“Taiga. Did he not reply to your looking for you ad?”

Hokuto shook his head. It had been 9 years, and even though he and Taiga became ‘acquaintances’, he was still disappointed. He felt like something went missing back then, and it remained missing at the moment.

“Are you disappointed?”

“Duh, it’s been nine years,” he strongly denied, which made Kochi raise an eyebrow. 

“You’ve also never told Taiga about it?”

“Why should I?” This is where his dilemma lies. He was disappointed Taiga stood him up 9 years ago, but he also didn’t want Taiga to find out what he did 9 years ago. 

Further questioning from Kochi was avoided when his phone rang. He even began suspecting that Kochi had started diagnosing him, if he hadn’t already.

“Can I take it here? It’s my secretary.” 

“Go ahead.”

“Hello, Lindsay?... What?” He rose from the chair, looking distraught. “Who is running amok?”

Kochi also looked alert from watching him.

“...and where is he now?”

His eyes widened at Kochi, while his face went a shade paler than pale. “At Kyomoto’s in Sydney Fish Market?”

“What?!” Kochi mouthed. 

“Okay. I’m on my way.”

“What happened?”

“A patient of mine is assumed to be having a psychotic episode and is now brandishing a knife - at Kyomoto’s of all places!”

Kochi got up and took his coat. “I’ll go with you.”

Hokuto nodded, his entire being consumed once more with fear, while he silently pleaded to anyone who could hear him, “Please, don’t let anything bad happen to Taiga.”

April 2016

 T 🩷 I G A

Taiga had a love-hate relationship with the rain. He likes the chill but hates wet. At his Uni, rain is a common denominator of most hair-rising urban legends. The urban legends weren’t even that good, most were borderline dumb made to scare students and dissuade them from going out late. 

But there was one urban legend that stuck to his mind, The Jumping Lady . 

According to the legend, it was also raining that day. The wind howled like the wolves and the overcast added another layer of gloom. One particular class was going on as usual, which meant that half the class weren’t even paying attention as they’d rather snuggle in bed while the rain pitter-pattered on their window. As time wore off and fog covered the grounds, one female student walked to the corner window and jumped to her death. The entire class fell into stunned silence, some might even thought they were only dreaming, and everyone was held in a trance until a piercing scream rang from below. 

Since then, every time it rained and a fog covered the grounds, one could see a ghost jumping from the window of the Pharmacy Building. The building underwent renovations during the noughties, and whoever approved the exterior plan must be tripping. Out of all the plans, they approved the one with an origami-like steel facade, and probably as a joke, the infamous suicide spot was not only not covered, but it was also painted with chrysanthemums, which symbolized grief.

“Excuse me…”

Taiga almost jumped from his seat, his heart cart-wheeling better than him as he looked-up at the woman with lilac hair and chrysanthemum-printed shirt.

“...sorry for startling you,” she said, not looking sorry at all, while she chewed gum, “but we’ll be closing in 30 minutes so borrow those books if you still need them.” 

Taiga swallowed hard. “Okay.”

The woman left and he let out a long sigh, he looked through the window, and the rain continued to lash hard. 

“It’s just a dumb urban legend, you’ll be fine,” he convinced himself as he left the library. 

A thin layer of fog settled in, and whichever way he went, he would have to pass by the Pharmacy Building. He opened his umbrella and walked as fast as he could, his shoes and pants wet in no time, while he kept his eyes peeled straight ahead. 

“Don’t look to your right, don’t look to your right,” he repeated like a mantra as he neared the building. There were several rumors about why the woman chose to self-exit, but one stood out; she and her professor had an illicit affair. She got pregnant, but the man broke it off with her, and thus, she killed herself during his class. 

“Stop thinking about it,” Taiga chided himself. He increased his pace, and when he thought he was safe, a hair-rising shriek rang in his ears followed by the shattering sound of a glass. He didn’t have time to look for the source of the sound. He ran to the nearest building he could see, the Aquatic Center. He ignored the sign that said, “Close for water treatment”, and went ahead to the shower area, the only open but covered room he could find. He crouched on the plastic bench inside, it was wet and smelled of chlorine, but he didn’t care, he was scared shitless.  

“What the fuck was that? Was that even real? ” His heart could very well be in his throat while his shaking fingers composed a plea for help to his girlfriend when he heard another sound. It was much closer to where he was. It was as though they were whispering right in his ear. 

He covered his mouth with his hands, afraid his mere breathing could be heard. 

“Is that another ghost?”

The shower area is dark save for the pin light at the last cubicle. He tried to concentrate despite the pounding of his chest when he heard it again. It was like a whimper, like a groan.

“Is someone…hurt? ”

He dropped his ghost theory and bravely walked to the last cubicle. He thought the shower was just turned on, and before he could call to anyone, the shower curtain slightly parted, and Taiga was relieved to see someone familiar. 

“Hok-”

The curtain parted wider, and Taiga’s relief changed to confusion upon seeing someone familiar and popular on the campus. His girlfriend has a huge crush on the swimming superstar everyone nicknamed “The Eagle” because his arm length was as long as the wingspan of an eagle.

“They were showering together, even though there were a lot of empty cubicles?”

“I’ll go ahead,” The Eagle said to Hokuto, and Taiga might as well be invisible. 

Taiga tried his best to keep his eyes on Hokuto’s face, but it was hard when his eyes would rather follow the droplets that fell from Hokuto’s hair, and down to his lean abs where a damp towel barely covered anything below. And for a while, they both stood like a stone, both of them wet for different reasons. One looked like a Greek god, the other a geek who got rained on. 

Taiga was the first to recover. “Uhm, I thought someone was hurt.” He knew how dumb that sounded before he could finish it. Between them, it looked like Taiga was the one in pain.

“Uhm, I’ll - I’ll go ahead, too,” he added and he just reached the bench when Hokuto spoke.

His voice was almost pleading. “Please, don’t tell anyone-”

“I won’t,” he said, glancing back, “You can trust me on that. I still owe you ramen, drop by when you’re free.”

“Thank you,” his voice was full of relief and Taiga wished he could hug Hokuto, but he didn’t want to make things more awkward. 

Two days later, the school paper “The Chronicles” released a special issue of their “April Fools Prank” and the students they managed to scare near the Pharmacy Building. One of the Top 5 with “Best Reactions” is Taiga.

 H 🖤 K U T O

Hokuto absolutely loves the rain. People usually associate rain with bad luck, even the saying, “When it rains, it pours” became linked to bad luck when good things could also pour like rain. But with Hokuto’s luck, something good happens every time it rains. It rained once and he met Gavin aka The Eagle. The attraction between them was immediate, just one look and Hokuto’s throat turned dry. It rained another and they started rooting; quickie in Gavin’s Residence Hall, and long sex when the pool was closed for cleaning. It rained again, they fucked, and Hokuto thought his luck had been reversed as they got caught. 

Hokuto never denied his sexuality, but he wasn’t that open yet where he would attend a Pride march or take Eurovision seriously. So it was so incredulous that out of all the people who would see him after his donut got glazed, why did it have to be Taiga? 

“If he won’t reciprocate, don’t cooperate,” was Kochi’s advice to Hokuto when he told him his woes. Gavin is also like an eagle on the bed. He wanted to stay on top and refused to go down on him. And Hokuto never felt so used. He knew their relationship didn’t start with innocence or in “love at first sight” fashion, but he didn’t expect it to be anything but sex. 

His phone buzzed, he stole a glance at his professor, before checking the message from Gavin. 

“Got a chubb right now, gobby? Hall.”  

He sighed. Some would argue that he shouldn’t be complaining when one of the most popular guys on the campus wanted him this much. 

“Class,” he replied.  

Gavin’s reply was immediate and he could feel the radiating anger from his message, “You’re saying no?”

“No.” He sent back. 

“Your loss.”

He tried to maintain a straight face when he was seething inside, while his professor roamed the class. His loss?! That was all Gavin had to say when Hokuto was literally busting his arse each time they met. He scoffed and shoved his phone into his bag. Kochi was right, if Gavin won’t reciprocate, he shouldn’t cooperate. 

His class ended and saw there were 6 missed calls from Gavin. Hokuto just ignored it and also ignored that it started drizzling; some people ran while holding their bags over their heads, others hurried to look for shade, and the wise who brought umbrellas opened them like flashlights in the dark.  

Hokuto should start running too, but he realized he wasn’t even getting wet. He looked up and saw the heavens open up, and beside him, an angel. 

“I love the rain, but I loathe getting wet,” said Taiga, pulling him closer until their shoulders were overlapping under his transparent umbrella, “You look so surprised, is it that shocking to see me?” 

Hokuto swallowed hard. Taiga became a sensation after getting featured in “The Chronicles”, which also explained how he ended up at the Aquatic Center. Everyone loves his scared reaction, some find him cute, others comical, and others as someone they need to protect at all cost. 

“Uhm, well…I guess I’m just hungry,” he said, cringing at how nonsensical his answer was. However, “hungry” was like a word that Taiga had been waiting for his whole life. 

“Let me satisfy that hunger!” He said in such an enticing tone that Hokuto didn’t want to look excited. “We have a new stash of ramen at our flat, let’s go.” Taiga didn’t wait for his reply, he hooked his arms on him and Hokuto found himself too weak to resist. He also started answering imaginary questions, justifying going with Taiga. First, he just wanted to know if his luck every time it rains has been reversed. Second, he is hungry, Taiga offers food, and everyone knows it’s bad luck to say no to a free meal. And third, he really didn’t want to deal with Gavin at the moment. 

“Ailsa’s not here, she’s working at the National Gallery,” said Taiga as they reached a gated compound called Clayton Apartments. 

“We also have two other flatmates, both are out at the moment, I think.”

“Ah, are you both 3rd years?” He asked, the smell of oil and acrylic wafted toward them as Taiga opened the door. 

“Just me. She’s older than me by a year. Sorry for the mess, she’s finishing a portrait.”

Old newspapers lined the small living-room floor, there were also several tubes of paint on a wooden box, a few paint cans on the floor, and propped on the easel is an unfinished portrait. 

“Your portrait,” he whispered. The face is only a quarter done, but those eyes could only belong to Taiga. 

“You could tell that easily?” asked Taiga, impressed.

The rest of the portrait was still in pencil, but it was easy to make-out that Taiga was naked under the blanket that covered below his navel. His right arm covered his forehead, his lips slightly parted, and his eyes were in a dream-like state. It was as though this was sketched in the middle of a lovemaking.

“Hokuto?”

Hokuto flinched and crossed the living-room to the kitchen. Taiga has a girlfriend and he has a boyfriend, and speaking of boyfriend, he might as well give Gavin what he wanted instead of succumbing to a different sin. 

“Which one do you like?” asked Taiga, showing him four brands of instant noodles and his answer was immediate, he picked the black one with a baby chick breathing fire. He needed something strong as a distraction. 

“I heard about this one, they said it’s really spicy,” he said, he didn’t need to add that he had tried the said noodle and weirdly loved it.  

“It is. Your lips could get swollen. Are you sure?” 

“Positive.” 

“Your arse will be on fire.” 

Hokuto knew it was an innocent comment, but even Taiga’s face changed when he realized something awkward that Hokuto didn’t want to dwell on. 

“From pooping,” added Taiga, “It also happened to me when I ate this.”

Hokuto grinned. “I can take the heat.” 

“If you say so.”

“I’ll help-”

“No. You’re a visitor, just take a seat.” Taiga returned to the kitchen while Hokuto settled on the dining table. The Scandinavian tables were half-filled with medical journals and bindings of dissertations.

“Sorry for the mess though,” added Taiga, “I prefer a huge table when I study.” 

“No worries. Uhm, can I take a look at these?” 

“Go ahead.” 

Hokuto flipped through a medical journal, most of which dealt with surgery. “I don’t think I’ve asked, but you’re going into medicine?”

“I’m doing doubles. BioMed and Pharmacy.”

“Oh.” Hokuto’s reaction was too lacklustre, but he was just stoked. “You’re freakingly smart.”

Taiga chuckled. “I wish I was, but I’m not, so I have to work extra hard.” 

“And you want to be a surgeon?” He assumed seeing the journals. 

“Yes,” he said and posed with a knife, “You may call me Godhand Taiga.”

Hokuto giggled as he was familiar with the references to a Japanese drama called “Godhand Teru”.

“What do you want to specialize in?”

“GYN.”

Hokuto gaped. “Is that…a joke?”

Taiga sighed and shook his head. His disappointment inferred that Hokuto's comment was not the first. “You’re probably thinking I’m a pervert who wants to finger fucks women?”

Hokuto quickly shook his head. “That thought never crossed my mind,” he lied and blamed porn for it. 

Taiga wasn’t convinced by his answer, but he didn’t push through as he exclaimed, “Anyway, the noodles are cooked!” He brought out two plates and Hokuto’s tummy started making noises seeing how red his noodles were.

“Try it!” 

Hokuto received the chopsticks from Taiga and excitedly chowed down. 

“So, how is it?” Asked Taiga, his face apprehensive as he served a glass of water. 

“The best!” He said with a thumbs up. He didn’t have the heart to tell him that the noodles were undercooked and it just affected the overall experience. He never thought someone could fuck up noodles. 

“Told yah I’m good,” he said, eating his black bean noodles.

“I’m sure you’ll be a great gyne,” than a cook.

Taiga smirked. “By the way, uhm, are you still going out with The Eagle?”

“Mmmh?” He mumbled, nodding his head. It felt weird to be talking about his boyfriend with Taiga, and when he was trying to avoid the said boyfriend. 

“I see.”

“Why?” He could see in Taiga’s face that he wanted to talk about his boyfriend but he needed a push. “What is this about?”

“Well, nothing…it’s just that Ailsa told me that The Eagle and his ex are back together.”

The undercooked noodles not only tasted bad, it might even choke him. “Are you talking about my Gavin?” He clarified, before gulping water. It was no secret that Gavin was also famous for dating his former teammate, Stacey. “Former Teammate” because romantic relationships between teammates are forbidden, and also because their Uni is sexist, Stacey was the one let go. 

“Yes.”

“And you told your girlfriend about us?” He asked, raising an eyebrow.

Taiga went pale. “Of course not, I didn’t tell her anything.”

Hokuto scoffed, he didn’t believe Taiga. But most of all, he felt betrayed.

“It’s true,” Taiga insisted, “We went to the movies over the weekend and saw them…kissed…a lot! And that was when Ailsa said that they’d gotten back.”

“They’re just teammates, I mean, former teammates. And okay, they used to date, but not anymore,” he said with controlled calm that even he wanted to pat himself on the back.

“But…are you sure?”

“I’m sure,” he said firmly. “Did you invite me here to tell me this?”

Even the black bean sauce on Taiga’s lips blanched. “Well, I’m just concern-”

“And why would you be concerned?” He asked in a snappish way and quickly regretted seeing Taiga’s face. He looked embarrassed, he even cared.

“I’m sorry for butting in your business.”

Hokuto was too prideful to back down. Hearing from Taiga that Gavin might be cheating was slapped on his face, because he knew the truth. A truth he chose to ignore in the guise of love. Or lust. Or even jealousy of wanting someone he couldn’t have. 

“And I hope you’ll mind your own business from now on. Thank you for the noodles, it was so undercooked, you just wasted water. But don't worry, I won't sue you for indigestion,” he said in the pettiest way possible and left Taiga without another glance.

The moment Hokuto stepped out of Taiga’s apartment, the rain had stopped, and Hokuto knew that his luck had definitely reversed. 

Feb 2024

 T 🩷 I G A

Every day, Taiga wakes up to suffer. Today, particularly, he had to drag himself out of the bed. It didn’t help that he watched One Piece until 3 in the morning, and he had to be up by 7. Every muscle in his body felt heavy like Luffy being submerged in water. He couldn’t even bring himself to shower as he forced himself to go to work. Four hours of sleep, a toastie, and a cup of coffee later, Taiga thought he could survive the rest of the day when something so unexpected had to happen. 

“Are you going to stab me with that?” asked Taiga, his eyes on the five-inch riveted knife that was pointed at him. The knife looked sharp enough and he could barely make-out the blade's WP logo.

“You! How dare you give me raw salmon?” The man screamed, looking more maniacal by the minute.

“That’s called sashimi and that’s what you ordered,” he said flatly. He sort-of blamed himself for why it turned out like this. He should have known better the moment the man ordered a plate of sashimi. His pupils were dilated, and unblinking, and his energy radiated instability and danger. 

But Taiga ignored his intuition, chucking it off to the fatigue that was weighing him down. And for a while, he thought he was right, the man just ate his sashimi at the corner and ignored everyone. Then, another customer bumped into him and that was when he went batshit. He accused the customer of trying to kill him. Taiga quickly interfered and the man shifted his rage toward him. 

“I. Didn’t. Order. That,” he screamed at the top of his lungs, “You want to poison me!”

Taiga sighed. Fighting madness with only 4 hours of sleep felt so destructive to his mind and body. He knew he had to keep talking even though the man was now void of rationality. But he felt really tired and a wicked part of him wanted to challenge this man and just end it, as swiftly as possible.

“Why are you not talking?” The man bellowed. “You’re-you’re thinking of how to kill me?”

“What if I am?” He asked quietly. A rational part of him was saying to de-escalate rather than provoke.

He thought the man didn’t hear him, but he clearly did and he started shaking in excitement, as though the thought of killing gave him euphoria.

“I’ll do you first.” He lunged and the crowd gasped. 

Blood dripped down on the floor, Taiga’s palm on the spine while his fingers dug into the blade. It stung for a bit, but the pain was gone quickly, and replaced with an unbelievable surge of adrenaline.  

“Telly makes it look so easy,” he muttered through clenched teeth. One Piece prepared him to do this main character move; a move that might cut off his fingertips, but at least he saved the world.

“Argh!” The man shouted in shock, his body started twisting as he folded on the ground uncontrollably. 

The next few minutes happened in a blur. He couldn’t remember when the man did or he let go of the knife. People in uniforms ran to him. Radios blaring for instructions and calls for help. Taiga’s assistant knelt by his side and cried. Something stung again as his cuts were washed. Blood seeped through a gauze. And sound returns to him when the sun hits his face. The chaotic turn of events was almost destabilizing, and he finally let out a sigh when he was wheeled into the ambulance. 

“That was brave, but also very reckless,” a police officer told Taiga after his minor operation. He needed stitches on four of his fingers after stopping the knife with a bare hand. The cuts were deep, but not deep enough to sever his fingers.  

“But we still want to thank you, you provided a much-needed distraction so one of our officers could taser him.”

Taiga simply nodded. He didn’t deserve to be thanked. He did something reckless because he was tired, and not because he was concerned. The police continued to interview him, and just like after he got ‘stabbed’, he moved as though he was in a trance. He thinks he’s answering all their questions, but their faces suggest that he must be saying nonsense. Maybe the lack of sleep was finally getting to him, he couldn’t stop trembling. Or maybe his body is crashing down, it could be from shock, or the adrenaline earlier finally wearing-off. 

“Taiga, are you okay?” 

Taiga blinked and didn’t answer. Is he hallucinating now? Why is Hokuto here? How did he even know where he was? 

“I told the police that you’ll just head to the station for an interview, you’re not yet okay,” said Hokuto as though he read his mind. His tone was neither angry nor reprimanding, it was so gentle, that one would think Hokuto was cooing at him. 

Hokuto got a blanket somewhere and placed it on him like a jacket. His face marred with worry as he asked again, “Are you okay?”

He just shook his head and somehow he felt a bit lighter. He guessed a bit of honesty is still good.

“It will be okay,” whispered Hokuto while lightly patting his un-injured hand, “You said before that your hands are your biggest asset, and I guess that remains true. You hurt yourself in the process, but you didn’t just save yourself, you saved a lot more, even the person who did this to you. You still have it, Godhand Taiga .” 

Maybe he reached his limit for the day as he just came crashing down. 

His whimper turned to sobs, Hokuto frantically asking him if he was hurting somewhere, but he just shook his head and pulled Hokuto to bury his face on Hokuto’s shoulder.

“Taiga…it’s going to be okay. It will be okay.”

He realized two things while Hokuto lightly patted his back. First, he had forgotten how it was to be comforted. It felt foreign but familiar, like rekindling a long-lost flame. 

And second, he didn’t want to die after all.

 H 🖤 K U T O

Hokuto could only watch the drama unfold on TikTok. He already feels queasy as it's being livestream, but he knows he’ll choose the lesser evil, which is staying on the loop even if it means Taiga is being live-streamed. Kochi took the wheel from him, or they might get into an accident because he couldn’t sit still, and when they arrived, the fish market had been cordoned off to anyone who was planning to go in. However, as luck would have it, they had the perfect view to witness Taiga being wheeled into an ambo by paramedics. 

He returned to the driver’s seat and ignored Kochi’s shouts as he followed the ambulance rather than attend to his patient. 

“Have you seriously lost it?” Kochi bellowed. 

Hokuto continued to ignore Kochi, he was sure his patient had been attended to. 

“Acquaintance or unrequited love?” Kochi grumbled.

“Where are they bringing him? We’ll be crossing the bridge now,” asked Hokuto instead. His head is trying to map out all the hospitals and medical centres within the vicinity. 

“The Mater, probably.” 

And Kochi was right as the ambulance turned left at the Mater Hospital. And he watched with bated breath as Taiga was wheeled out and into the ED.

“Are you satisfied now?” 

Wordlessly, he turned back to the road and contacted his secretary.

“Glad you still have a bit of sense,” said Kochi. 

The admission to the mental health hospital had been challenging for Hokuto. His patient’s 75-year-old mother is adamant that her son should be treated at their estate, something to which Hokuto agreed before as long as the patient would be under surveillance. Unfortunately, her son wasn't guarded enough so he roamed around and caused a ruckus. 

“He has always been a sweet boy, maybe something happened for him to snap,” was the mother’s plea to him. And that is the reason why dealing with mental health is challenging for both the patient and their support system. It was hard to grasp how someone so sweet could turn into a monster in the blink of an eye. Everyone has problems, everyone has struggles, and some are even greater than others, so how can they not cope? 

How can someone not have control of their mind?

“Taiga’s mother was the one who approached me,” said Kochi and Hokuto almost swerved from his revelation. 

“You really chose this time to tell me this?”

“Didn’t think it was such a shocker.”

“It’s not that…” he took a deep breath to calm his nerves. He was still shaken as the image of Taiga stopping the knife kept replaying on his head. “It’s just…it’s a lot. I haven’t seen Taiga for like 3 to 4 years and I met him again in this state. It’s just unbelievable.” 

“Life happens to the best of us.”

Hokuto sighed. “What did his mother say?”

“His mother was just assuming after she came across this TED Talk, but she’s pretty convinced that her son might be suffering from a high-functioning depression.” 

“Oh…okay…and?”

“She managed to convince Taiga to come see me.”

“So you’ve seen Taiga?” 

Kochi nodded gravely. “He insisted that he was okay and that he only saw me so his mother would stop pestering him. Nevertheless, I made him do the usual depression screening, and nothing in his answers would indicate that he is depressed.” 

“I see.” Hokuto understood Kochi’s doubts. Although depression screening helps diagnose depression by answering a series of questions, the test is pretty subjective and patients can always lie. 

“Do you think he wasn’t being truthful? That he’s hiding what he truly feels?” added Hokuto. 

“He won’t be the first person to have hidden depression, but I sincerely hope that he won’t be part of that statistic...”

Hokuto swallowed the lump in his throat, he knew full well what statistic Kochi was referring to. Depression is a complex and complicated disease that even he is not immune to. 

“What can I do? What can we do?” He asked, his voice close to breaking as The Mater Hospital came into view again. 

“Can you try talking to him?”

He sighed. “Am I not overstepping? Maybe I could try talking to his wife.”

“Ok - wait, wife? He has a wife? He’s married?”

“Is he not? I saw him with a kid,” he clarified, frowning.

Kochi was also frowning. “I clearly remember his mother telling me that he’s single. She even said that she’d been trying to set him up with dates and that maybe being in a relationship would change him. Although I never asked if he has any kids.” 

“Then…” Hokuto paused and gasped, “...maybe he’s just a baby daddy and his baby momma is now married to someone else and that’s why he must be depressed or something. Oh my! The other guy I saw with them must be the new husband!” His words came in rapid-fire; he needed to catch his breath. 

“Are you writing fiction right now?” quipped Kochi.

His theory still convinces him that when he sees Taiga looking lost while the police talk to him, it takes him a great deal of willpower not to carry him out of the hospital and whisk him to some island. 

He shook his head and mentally slapped his cheek. He needed to be rational more than ever. He needed to be stronger than his emotions, but it was easier said than done. Taiga’s eyes said everything he needed to know. He looked so tired and defeated. 

It pained him, too, seeing Taiga’s hand bandaged. The same hands that could have saved a lot of patients will now be scarred forever.

He let Taiga cry in his arms for a while, and he had to bite his lips to stop himself from also breaking down. He kept on repeating how it would be okay and realized that he was also giving that assurance to himself.

The last time he saw Taiga cry, he wished he could hug and comfort him, and now that he was doing that, he wished Taiga never had to cry in the first place.

June 2016

 T 🩷 I G A 

Life knows how to make fun of you. Taiga had rarely seen Hokuto before, but after he stormed off his apartment like eons ago, Taiga had been seeing Hokuto everywhere. As in all the time. They didn't  even attend the same lectures, and Taiga only had lectures thrice a week, but he would see Hokuto even in places like the library, cafe, and Woolies. It was so annoying that he had to be reminded of what happened between them. 

It also irked him that his girlfriend took Hokuto’s side. She said that some people weren’t that welcoming to have their partners cheating thrown at their faces, especially in a relationship like Hokuto’s, after he promised not to tell anyone about it. He broke Hokuto’s trust and Ailsa thought that part weighed more than his partner’s supposed cheating. 

But he didn’t really do anything wrong. Maybe being a busybody is wrong, but he was simply acting out of goodwill. And every time he would see Hokuto with that guy, it was akin to being sprayed with pepper in his eyes.  

“So he has unusually long arms and legs, what about it? Maybe he’s not even human? Alien?”

He continued to watch the so-called couple, he wasn’t even being subtle about it as he followed them with his eyes to the Engineering Bldg.

“And why does he keep walking ahead of Hokuto? Is Hokuto his bodyguard or something?”

Whatever Hokuto and The Eagle did in the Engineering Building, it was quick and they were back on the Sports Walk. Taiga sneered in disdain, taking out his Evian mist and spraying it on his eyes to wash off such an eyesore.

“When did you start using such?” asked Shintaro, who travelled to Melbourne to see “White Night”, and whom he had forgotten to be seated beside him in the middle of the lemon-scented lawn.

“It’s good for the skin.”

“Since when did you start caring about your skin?”  

Taiga sighed. He couldn’t fool his best mate. “It was on sale, like buy 3 and take 2, and Ailsa gave me one.”

“Ahhhh.”

“By the way, hypothetical question,” he said, throwing Hokuto a glance, and saw that they had also sat on the edge of the lawn, “But if I learned your girlfriend cheated -”

“My girlfriend’s cheating on me?” Shintaro hollered and some students turned over to their direction. 

“I said, hypothetical, and I never even met your girlfriend.”

Shintaro looked really relieved. “Oh, okay, go on…”

“As I was saying, if I learned that your girlfriend cheated, would you want me to tell you?” 

Shintaro’s answer was immediate. “Duh, certainly.”

“Will you get angry at me?”

“Why would I? Unless my girlfriend is cheating with you?” He said, looking doubtful at him. 

Taiga simply smiled, relieved as he grew more convinced he did the right thing. 

“By the way, I ate at your sushi place a fortnight ago.”

“It’s not mine,” Taiga corrected. “Did you see my dad?”

Shintaro nodded. “I don’t think I should tell you, but I will tell you anyway - your dad was complaining that your tuition had increased again.”

Taiga scoffed. His dad still didn’t like that he chose pre-med over inheriting their business. “The amount he needed to add for my tuition, he deducted that on my allowance.”

“Oh! Uncle really hates you.” 

Taiga wasn’t even offended, his father’s disapproval of his career choice was something he accepted a long time ago. “So I’m working part-time and I’ll take advantage of the winter break to work a bit more.”

“Awww, I thought we could go to The Snowies.”

“We’ve been to that mountain four times.” He didn’t want to add that for a 3rd Year, Shintaro had lots of time on his hands. 

“So, can’t we go for the 5th time?”

“I guess,” he said, shrugging when he noticed The Eagle had stood up. He was busy chatting with someone on his phone and took a few steps away from Hokuto. Meanwhile, Hokuto remained seated while he watched his boyfriend leave him without so much of a glance. 

“Who’s that guy?” asked Shintaro. 

“What guy?” He asked innocently.

“The one you kept looking at.”

“I wasn’t looking -”

Shintaro cocked an eyebrow and crossed his arms. “In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve already eaten 3 corndogs, while yours have gotten as cold as the weather.” 

Taiga looked down at his corndog and saw that because he was too busy watching Hokuto and that guy he refused to call by his name, all the pickles and mustard he piled in had gone down to the bottom of the paper plate. 

“Hmmm, right,” he said, sighing, “Remember my hypothetical question?”

“Oooooh!” Shintaro is clearly interested, and added in a whisper, ”his girlfriend cheated on him?”

“Yes.” Taiga agreed instead of correcting one tiny detail.

“Who did his girlfriend cheat with?”

“An ex.”

“Ahhh…and they’re still together?”

Taiga nodded glumly. 

“And he got angry at you for telling him about it?”

Taiga nodded, pouting. It had been months, and he told himself repeatedly that he didn’t care, he had stopped caring, but he remained peeved about it. 

Shintaro appeared to be thinking what he should say next before he looked apologetically at him. “Yeah, you probably shouldn’t have meddled. Let him find it out.”

Taiga was aghast. “You just told me-”

“We’re different, Kyomo, we’ve known each other before we even grew pubic hair so I know you would never lie to me and you have my best interest.” 

Taiga didn’t know what to say at first. He tried to search for the words to describe his feelings, and he came up with one that he didn’t like. He was hurt. 

“And I don’t have his best interest? I’m just some…prissy stickybeak?”

“Now, now, don’t insult yourself like that,” said Shintaro calmly, seeing that Taiga’s nostrils were flaring. “I’m just saying he could be thinking you have a hidden agenda for telling him that...”

Taiga scoffed and turned in Hokuto’s direction. He has a hidden agenda?

He felt aggrieved while he watched with squinting eyes as a Jeep stopped-by The Eagle and he hopped in. Taiga could barely make-out the rest of the passengers but the redhead could only be that guy's ex-girlfriend. The one Hokuto said was nothing but a former teammate. The Jeep left, leaving Hokuto with a trail of car exhaust smoke. 

“Seriously? You’ll just let him do that?” Taiga muttered.

“What are you talking about now?”

“Nothing. It’s none of my business.” He shut his eyes and sighed. If Hokuto thinks he’s the villain, then so be it. He will play his role as the Villainess seriously.

“What are you on about?” asked Shintaro, looking worried for him.

Taiga forced himself to smile. “Let’s head to town, Ailsa will be meeting us at the gallery.”

H 🖤 K U T O

Hokuto is not yet a psychologist but he is now diagnosing himself as a masochist. Or maybe calling himself a masochist is just him trying to glamorize his real situation. It’s as clear as the lights projected on the grey wall of the NGV that he’s not in a Fifty Shades of Grey situation, he’s just in a grey area. Moreover, he’s in an emotionally abusive relationship, and he is a willing victim. 

Calling himself a victim is also unfair to real victims. No one has a gun over his head, and the door is always open for him to leave, but he chooses to stay. Mainly out of embarrassment, sex is secondary, or maybe because his luck has run out and he can’t bear to be alone. But he also doesn't feel he’s with someone, and he just feels awful altogether.

He knew from the get-go that Gavin only wanted sex. But he chose to delude himself that Gavin was just confused, he might not be sure of his feelings yet, and he would surely come around. Besides, sex with Gavin had been good, and wasn’t that what he wanted? Good sex so he could push Taiga out of his mind. So when Taiga told him about Gavin’s cheating, it was like a slap on his face. His ego was hurt more than his feelings. His delusions clash with reality, along with the sad truth that in his attempt to have what Taiga and Ailsa have, he cheapened himself and went with Gavin. 

He sighed and lazily took a few pictures. He wasn’t really in the mood to go out if it weren’t for Kochi’s insistence. Everywhere was crowded, he could feel an oncoming headache from all the bright lights, and even though he considered himself artsy, he couldn’t appreciate anything that the illuminations represented.

“Quite a crowd, huh?” commented Kochi as they made their way to check other illuminations. 

“Have you seriously never been here before?”

Kochi shook his head. “I’m too lazy to travel here,” he said, grinning. 

Hokuto chuckled and from afar, he could see one very familiar giant. He scratched his eyes before making a phone call. 

“Hokuto!” The man answered over the phone. 

“Turn to your right,” Hokuto instructed.

“My right? Why-” Jesse beamed, his long arms waved vigorously at him. 

“Someone you know?” asked Kochi. 

Hokuto pulled Kochi until he and Jesse met halfway 

“What are you doing here?” They asked at the same time. 

Hokuto answered first, “I go to Uni here, remember.” 

“Oh yeah!” Jesse giggled. “I’m here with my folks and with my cutest sister, but they were getting on my nerves so I strayed away for a bit,” he whispered as though he did something very naughty, before his eyes wandered to Kochi. “And this bloke here is…”

“And this is my flatmate and also, a senior of mine, Yugo Kochi.”

“Hi,” said Jesse, acting all coy for reasons Hokuto couldn’t fathom, “I’m one of Hokuto’s two best mates. The other is Juri, but he’s too busy making sure his girlfriends don't meet each other.”

Hokuto feigned a cough and Jesse seemed to have taken the hint. 

“Kochi,” said Kochi, extending his hand, which Jesse accepted with gusto.

“You should have told me you were coming.”

“Nah, we’re going back tomorrow morning so I didn’t bother, but I guess we’re meant to meet,” said Jesse and they fist bump.

Hokuto beamed. He’d been feeling under the weather since morning and seeing one of his best mates made even the most dreary illumination all cheery. 

The three of them ended up in a local pizzeria. It was packed, and it was too late for Hokuto to turn back upon seeing Gavin and his friends in one corner, and on the opposite side were Taiga, Ailsa, and a few others. Hokuto tried to be nonchalant about this ill fate, Jesse seemed to be oblivious to the risen tension, while Kochi glanced apologetically at him since he chose the place. Gavin, as expected, pretended not to see him, but he did see his so-called “ex” raising her pencil-thin eyebrow at him. Ailsa gave him an uncomfortable smile, while Taiga acted like Gavin. Hokuto had been seeing Taiga a lot since the "noodle fiasco". He would just have to breathe and Taiga would be there. And as crazy as it was, he would always be with Gavin, and he would have to watch Taiga's face churned up in disgust, which he never bothered hiding. 

“We could go to another place,” Kochi whispered. He knew about his circumstances with Gavin, but not with Taiga.

“It’s fine,” he replied. “I’m also not in the mood to be the one to adjust.” 

Kochi nodded, smiling, while Hokuto hoped he could hold his bravado as they settled to their seats that were only two tables away from Gavin. 

“I just sent a message to Mom that I’m with you,” said Jesse before deciding on their order; a Margherita, VIP aka Very Italian Pizza, and their bestseller, Plus39. 

“I see that you’re very hungry,” he quipped. Although he agreed to eat there, he wanted to leave as soon as possible.

Jesse just grinned. “Let’s take a selfie, Juri’s going to get so jealous.” 

They took a selfie and Hokuto thought he looked constipated. Jesse also asked him to take his picture with Kochi, just in case Kochi turned out to be a flatmate serial killer. Jesse was in his usual jovial mood, and Hokuto was thankful that Kochi and Jesse seemed to get along because Hokuto was not in the mood for chit-chat when he couldn’t even breathe properly. 

Their orders arrived and Hokuto grabbed a slice, eating it quickly to finish 3 pan pizzas in under 10 minutes. 

“Some people need to get a room,” Jesse said and Hokuto wished he never followed his line of vision to save himself from witnessing Gavin and his former teammate snogging. 

Kochi looked horrified toward him, while Hokuto thought he might choke on his pizza. Knowing Gavin is cheating has been tolerable, but seeing him doing it in public is just humiliating. 

What made it more unbearable was that he could do nothing.

“What a douchebag,” Kochi muttered, putting his pizza down, “Let me give him a piece of my mind.”

“Who’s the douchebag? You know them?” Asked Jesse, looking confused. 

“Kochi, please, let it go,” he said firmly, grabbing Kochi’s wrist.

“No, it ends here.”

“What’s going on-”

A loud audible gasp rang across the pizzeria, and everyone was looking in one direction. And when Hokuto saw what caught everyone’s attention, his jaw dropped to the floor. 

Taiga is holding two empty pasta plates, and on Gavin and Stacey’s heads were the contents of that plate, linguine and pappardelle.

“Sorry, I thought this was the bin,” Taiga said sarcastically, “You both looked trash.”

A collective gasp echoed inside the pizzeria, but unlike earlier when everyone gasped in surprise, now, everyone was just excited to watch the drama unfold. 

Gavin stood up, pasta sauce dripping down his body, and the greatest battle since boxing kangaroos began.

Feb 2024

T 🩷 I G A 

Taiga was so distraught earlier, but when his tears had dried, embarrassment came crashing in. He didn’t just cry, he cried at Hokuto of all people, and the worst part, the waves also brought back memories he thought he had forgotten.  

“Don’t think too much about it,” said Hokuto as though he read his mind.

“I’m not thinking about anything,” he denied. 

“Stop covering your face as if you’re embarrassed about something.” 

Taiga sighed, slowly removing his hands from his face, and letting the afternoon sun color his face. Hokuto stood by the window, arms crossed on his chest, and the sun rays behind him made it seem like he just descended from heaven to grace mortals with his presence. He sighed once more. How could anyone forget that face?

“Uhm, I should apologize,” Hokuto started.

“For what?” 

“The man who gave you that injury was a patient of mine.” 

“Oh!”

“I’m taking responsibility-”

Taiga interfered. “You’re not in any way at fault with this. It’s all mine because I decided to play a hero.”

“Taiga-”

The door opened, and Taiga almost covered his face with a blanket thinking it might be another reporter, but it was his mother. His poor mother. 

“Are you okay?” She asked. Her voice might be steady, but her hands were trembling as she held his bandaged hand. “Why would you do something like that?”

Taiga just shrugged. He wanted to appear unaffected, and hoped his eyes didn’t show how hard he cried earlier. “I also don’t know what I was thinking,” he lied, and he could tell his mother didn’t believe him. 

His mother took a deep breath and the smile she gave him radiated serenity. “If that’s what you say, then, I will believe you.”

Taiga swallowed hard. Guilt ate him up as he looked at his mother’s hands, they were dry and wrinkled. His mother had gotten old while he continued to wallow about how his life had taken a different trajectory. He should really change. 

“You look familiar,” his mother told Hokuto. 

“Hi, I’m Hokuto Matsumura-”

“Dr. Matsumura from Flame Island?” His mother exclaimed, taking Hokuto’s offered hand for a handshake, “I didn’t recognize you with your clothes on,” his mother added, giggling. 

All the guilt he felt changed to embarrassment and disbelief. “Ma, you watch Flame Island?”

“Of course, I’m a huge fan.”

Taiga gaped.

“It’s the only reason why I still subscribed to Halo. I also have their app and I sometimes vote,” his mother added, her eyes sparkling while looking up at Hokuto, “Are you my son’s doctor?”

Hokuto shook his head. “Uhm, no, but we knew each other from Uni.”

“Ah, from Uni?” Taiga didn’t miss the curl in her mother’s voice. What did she mean by that? 

“That’s nice. So, Doctor-”

“Please, just call me Hokuto.”

“If you say so, Hokuto. I’m sure you’ve met a lot of eligible women on the island, why don’t you introduce some of them to Taiga-”

“Ma!” He bellowed, horrified at his mother’s suggestion.

His mom ignored his glares and continued, “I don’t have high standards, just someone who would love and stay with my son. He could be a bit trying and I say this as his mother.”

“Ma, stop this! You’re making Hokuto uncomfortable.” 

Taiga used Hokuto as an excuse to cover his embarrassment, but Hokuto looked flustered. However, his mom proved to be unstoppable. 

“Or perhaps, if there’s a new season, can Taiga join?” 

“Argh! Just kill me now.” 

“Stop being dramatic,” his mother chid, “You’ll be 30 this year, almost all of your peers are married, and I don’t want you to end up as someone’s fuck buddy or boy toy.”

Taiga was aghast. He never thought he would hear his mother utter those words. 

Hokuto loudly cleared his throat. “Uhm, I thought Taiga was married and had a daughter.”

His mother sighed and Taiga chuckled. 

“It’s his goddaughter, his best friend’s daughter,” His mother quickly corrected. “See? People think Keikolalanee is yours.”

“It’s Kekiokolanee,” he said, “And I don’t mind if people assume that.”

“I love Keiko - Keki - Kiko…the kid, but I do mind.”

Taiga sighed. He wished his mother would just chastise him about the stupidity that got him injured instead of talking to Hokuto about his dating life, or the lack thereof.

“Ma, can we just go home? I’m tired.” 

“Not until the doctor promised to set you up with someone.”

“Ma!” 

Hokuto’s eyes darted between mother and child with Taiga firmly shaking his head. “You don’t need to say anything, Hokuto,” he warned and Hokuto looked like he would cry at any moment.

His mother scoffed and decided to change her tactics. “Or maybe you’re just scared of getting rejected?”

Taiga rolled his eyes. “I’ve been dumped a lot, mother.” He didn’t want to sound proud of it, but whatever. He would not be cowed.  

“He’s really hopeless, isn’t he?” His mother told Hokuto, and Hokuto just gave a noncommittal nod. 

Taiga sighed. “Fine.” 

His mother’s eyes lit up. “What do you mean by ‘fine’?”

Taiga crossed his fingers under the blanket. “I actually went on a date last Valentine's Day.” 

“You did?” His mother looked dubious, while Hokuto looked like he was rewinding on the events of that day when they accidentally met at the toilet. 

“Yeah.”

“With whom?”

“Someone….”

“Someone who?” His mother’s eyes widened, as though she had built-in laser beams ready to fire at him if he lied. 

“Someone really interested in me for a very long time.”

His mother gasped. “I didn’t know you had a stalker.”

Taiga could feel an oncoming headache. “Stalker, really? No! But this person left a note for me at ‘Here's Looking at You’. Remember that? You used to bring home mX.”

His mother continued to frown, while Hokuto’s eyes were wide like deer in the headlights. 

“I know it sounds ridiculous,” he said, chuckling a bit, trying his best to look excited and perplexed at the prospect of finding the one over some 9-year-old ad. “But I think it’s….I think it’s fate,” he added dreamily. His mother always loved the idea of “fate”, and as he said it, he’s getting quite convinced as well.

He continued, “Nine years and that person had waited for me every year at the same spot.”

His mother and Hokuto were both unblinking now. Hokuto even turned pale. 

“Right,” his mother said after a while. An uncomfortable silence continued to hover around them.

“You clearly need to be treated first,” she added in a tone inflecting that he was not right in the head. She excused herself to see the nurse for his discharge before he could finally sigh. He felt bad for lying, but he wouldn’t deny he liked the temporary truce it brought. Moreover, there was some truth to his lie. 

“I’m sorry about my mom - Hokuto? Hokuto?” 

Hokuto slapped his cheek so hard that his hand left an imprint. 

“Uhm, are you okay?” He asked quietly, a bit frightened. 

“I’m fine,” said Hokuto, “I’m just going to die - I mean, I’m just going to talk to a colleague here, excuse me.” 

Hokuto left his room and he quickly reached for his phone to check the snap of that 9-year-old ad. “I think I have to find you now, huh?” 

H 🖤 K U T O 

“Should I come clean?” He erased that thought the moment it popped in. He would take that bloody note to the grave. Taiga would think of him as a creep, even worse than a stalker. They’ve known each other for years, a lot of stuff happened between them, and he could picture Taiga thinking he planned to hook him right at the very beginning. 

He could picture Kochi asking him with a sardonic grin, “Well, didn’t you?”

“Not in that capacity!” He argued with no one. Never in his life did he think that his love note would be brought up like this, especially after 9 years! 

“This is on Taiga, it’s not my fault he chose to lie. Besides, as long as I keep quiet, nothing will be revealed, right? Or maybe it wouldn’t be that bad? He did say something about fate, maybe he would think…” He shook his head, there was no need to be falsely optimistic about it. Taiga probably only said those words to appease his mother.

He finally found the courage to leave the room, and it was too late to go the other way when he ran into Taiga’s mom. 

“Dr. Matsumura.”

Hokuto smiled. “Please, just call me, Hokuto.”

“Oh yeah, uhm, you were in the linen room?”

He glanced back and silently cursed. “I’m just returning a blanket I took earlier.”

“Directly?”

He smiled and changed the topic. “Are you on your way back to Taiga’s room? Let’s go together.” He whirled around, only to be pulled back when Taiga’s mom grabbed his arm. Her hands were as cold as ice.

“Not yet, can I speak to you for a bit?”

“Uhm, sure.”

They ended up in a busy cafe at the hospital. Taiga’s mom is a mix of strength and vulnerability, while she sat with her back ramrod straight, Hokuto could detect that she was just trying not to break down as she fiddled on her bag's handle, and her eyes stared at a void.

“Have a cuppa,” he said. 

“Thank you, Hokuto,” she said, putting a splash of milk in her tea while her fingers trembled. 

“Welcome,” he said simply, taking a sip of his tea that he preferred as it was. 

“So, Hokuto, what do you think of my son?”

Hokuto stalled, unsure how to answer. “Uhm, well, he has always been unpredictable. He can be a danger to himself, but at the same time, you can’t stop him, because he shines from that unpredictability of his. And I just hope he’ll meet someone who’ll protect him, but at the same, won’t stop him from doing what he wants.” 

“Okay,” said Taiga’s mother, a blush of appreciation on her face, “That’s really lovely of you to say that about my son, but as a psychologist, what do you think of him?”

“Oh! You mean in that capacity…” He cringed. He couldn’t even feign a laugh. What was he thinking? Speaking as though he wanted to win Taiga’s mother’s favor.

“To be honest, I already consulted this to a different doctor, and I wish I was just being paranoid, but I really think my son suffers from what they call high-functioning depression.”

He already heard about this from Kochi, but he asked anyway, “And what made you say that?”

“With what happened today,” she said, her eyes glistening with tears, “I’m quite sure he really intended to be stabbed. He wanted it to end, and by ‘it” I mean his life more than being in that situation.”

Hokuto agreed but he couldn’t say that. He knew he should stop inquiring, and let Kochi handle Taiga, it wouldn’t be in Taiga’s best interest if he meddled. But a part of him, a tiny bit part of him, was just dying to know.

“Of course, he will never admit it. You’ve also seen how easy it was for him to lie. He even made up something about, what was that again? Looking for you? He even added that he met someone who never existed.”

Hokuto almost choked on his tea. Heat spread on his face and he couldn’t tell Taiga’s mom that the note part was true. It’s true because he was the one who sent it. 

And now that he thinks about it more carefully, did Taiga go to CFM that day because of his love note? Did Taiga just learn about it? After all these years? How? Why now?

“But let’s forget about that, how can I convince my son to seek help? How can I show him that something is definitely wrong without him being defensive about it or retreating?”

Hokuto swallowed hard. Brushing away everything related to the note and focusing on the present.

“Is Taiga going through something?” He asked quietly. He braced himself because he was afraid to know the answer. He was like his patient’s mother earlier, still in denial even though the proof was being dangled on their faces.

“Is he going through something?” Taiga’s mother repeated. “I’m sure he is and I hope he will talk about it, but he won’t. He’ll just brush it off.” Mrs Kyomoto took out a hanky and started dabbing her eyes. 

“But I’m sure of one thing,” she added, “he started to change when he had to return here and quit medicine.”

Hokuto thought he might break his teacup as the winds of the past blew gently on his face, sending him back to the moment where he had to watch Taiga break down.

He shouldn’t be surprised, but it sucked when the past chased you up to the present. First was the note, and second was Taiga. 

Oct 2016

T 🩷 I G A

In the aftermath of what everyone dubbed as “The Eagle vs The Crow”, the mundane Clayton campus had their biggest news, probably since WWII. Taiga’s popularity skyrocketed, and so did his notoriety. 

At first, he didn’t like being compared to a crow, they were significantly smaller than an eagle. But after learning that crows are intelligent scavengers, who often raid trash for food, he thinks it’s justified. He remained firm each time he was asked why he dumped two plates of pasta on the couple. “I really thought I was throwing it into the bin,” he would casually reply and everyone around him would laugh uncomfortably. Some are scared to be at the receiving end of his ire. Some found him too pompous. Others, particularly those within Gavin’s circle, would blame his being a Sydneysider for starting a nonsensical fight. In their eyes, everyone from Sydney thought of themselves as superior to those from other states, when they really had nothing except nicer beaches, probably. He even had to deactivate his Facebook account after receiving a mix of hate and praise on his page and before it reached his dad and had his allowance reduced again. 

His irritation cost him 6 weeks of suspension and a $300 fine. He had to serve his suspension after the winter break and he could think of it as a blessing in disguise as he was able to work full-time for another 6 weeks to make up for the cuts from his allowance. Unfortunately, his professors proved to be sadists, and he expected no less from them as he had to catch-up with his missed lectures and assignments on his own. As October rolled in, Taiga was running high on caffeine and he found himself snapping at every minor inconvenience. 

“You didn’t wake me up, I’ll be late,” he told Ailsa as he went running down the stairs, struggling to put on his socks. 

“I’m not your personal alarm clock,” said Ailsa, her tone cold as she drank her coffee. 

“Right.” He knew calling his frosty relationship with Ailsa a “Cold War” was just over the top, but at this point, they were just waiting to see who would fire the first nuke. 

“Uhm, so, my last class ends at 2:30, what do you want to do later? Movies? Dinner?”

“Why? What’s with today?” She asked with a blank stare. 

Taiga blinked. Did Ailsa really forget? Or was it all an act? “Uhm, it’s our anniversary today.”

“Oh! We lasted this long, huh?”

“Uhm…yeah…” He watched Ailsa check her phone. 

“Just meet me at the gallery by 530 and let’s decide after that.” 

“Right, I’ll see you later. L…ove yah,” he added in hush tones as Ailsa had gone back upstairs without bidding him goodbye, or even so much of a glance.

Taiga sighed and left their flats with a heavy heart. His recklessness also cost him his relationship with Ailsa. She was angry about his impulsiveness and he was never really known to have a strong sense of justice. She also received half the backlash directed at him, but she was more livid when he wouldn’t admit to one thing. 

“Do you like Hokuto?”

The weather was colder than usual and he was close to shivering when he reached his room. The previous lecture had just ended and he came face-to-face with Hokuto who was on his way out. They briefly met each other’s eyes, Taiga tried to avoid him by stepping on the right side, but so did Hokuto, and both of them stepped on the left at the same time.

“Uhm, you go first,” he said, avoiding his eyes. Hokuto swiftly passed by his side, the sleeves of their shirts brushing against each other on his way out, and a chill pierced through his bones.

He realized he’d been holding his breath until he sat at the nearest available seat. He hadn’t spoken to Hokuto since that day. Hokuto did try to talk to him, but he always had excuses of not having the time, or he needed to rush somewhere. Until Hokuto gave up and avoided him altogether. Taiga wasn’t even in the loop of what had happened between Hokuto and Gavin since that day.

“I don’t like him the way you think, I just pity him.”

His class started. His class ended. He added more caffeine than he could handle, but none of the caffeine managed to lift his mood when he received a message from his girlfriend, “ Had a sudden team dinner, let’s move your plan this weekend. ” Taiga looked up at the ash-grey walls of the National Gallery, it's color now resembling his mood, while its fortress-like walls were Ailsa’s feelings for him. 

He sighed and decided to enter the fortress, living it to fate if he and Ailsa ran to each other. He went straight to his favorite part of the gallery, “The Great Hall”. Its stained glass ceiling is something he fancied as akin to Hogwarts’ Great Hall, and just like the fictional great hall that hosted lots of events, a real-life event must have also finished. A shiny black T-shaped catwalk stood in the middle with a huge pink pencil at the backdrop. Chairs were being stacked, caterers were emptying trays, but a few cocktail tables were still surrounded by men and women in flamboyant and edgy clothes while holding sparkling wines. Thinking that Ailsa might be in the said event, he quickened his pace to head over the escalators when he came face-to-face with someone he’d also been trying to avoid. 

But unlike earlier, it was hard for Taiga to avert his gaze. Hokuto’s face was white as a geisha, on top of it, he wore purple eyeshadow and cat eyeliner, and a perfectly circular blush was stamped on his cheeks. And just like the men and women he saw earlier, Hokuto was also wearing something quirky; a sparkly and velvety motley coat, tight yellow breeches, and a checkered cap with violet bells. 

“Are you supposed to be…a clown?” His voice broke through the awkward silence between them.

Hokuto cocked an eyebrow, while his lips curled. “You’re speaking to me?”

Taiga swallowed hard, Hokuto’s question was as sharp as a blade slicing through the thin ice. But despite his cold reaction, Hokuto still gave him a proper reply, “A court jester.”

“A court jester?” He repeated. “C-cool.”

“Are you here to see your girl? I think I’ve seen her earlier, oh, she’s over there!”

He glanced back. He heard Ailsa’s heels clacking across the floor before she came into view. Panic rose within him, the last thing he wanted was for Ailsa to see him with Hokuto, or the nukes would surely be dropped. 

Without another word, he sprinted to the back of the runway stage, his heart beating wildly as he took a peek and saw Ailsa speak to a few catering staff. He hoped Hokuto wouldn’t snitch him because that’s going to be bad. He sighed in relief, but quickly froze when someone tapped his shoulder along with the realization he was also holding onto someone’s wrist. 

“Why are you hiding?” 

Taiga let go of Hokuto’s wrist as though he touched hot coal while hoping the black stage would just suck him like a black hole. 

“Uhm, it's our anniversary and I was planning to surprise Ailsa.”

“Is it?” There was a lingering doubt on Hokuto’s face. “But why drag me here as well?” 

“Well…I was surprised. I didn’t really know I dragged you here with me.” 

“Is that the only reason?”

Taiga innocently blinked. Hokuto couldn’t have known that Ailsa and he fought about him. That he started avoiding Hokuto to salvage his relationship with Ailsa. He started avoiding him, because his actions opened up something more he didn’t want to entertain. And that he has a girlfriend, period. 

He plastered a smile. “What else could it be?”

“Models, time to pack up!” He heard someone say. “And start dismantling the runway!”

Hokuto was about to leave but he grabbed Hokuto’s arm.

“I won’t tell her,” said Hokuto while Taiga took another peek to check for his girlfriend. Unfortunately, she hadn’t left the hall and was giving something to the models present.

Taiga bit his lower lip and fessed-up, “I lied. Ailsa cancelled today, but I went anyway, and if Ailsa saw me, I don’t think she’ll be too thrilled about it, and I…I can’t say anything more.” 

Hokuto appeared surprised with his admission, his face softening as he gently pulled him close and started fixing his tie.

“I’ll try to distract her so you can leave.” He finished fixing his tie and added, “You always look great with a suit on.”

“Thanks,” he murmured as Hokuto left, and before he could wonder when Hokuto ever saw him with a suit on. 

H 🖤 K U T O

Hokuto had to pause for a bit, take a deep breath, and let his heart slow down. Seeing Taiga already had his heart beating widely and being near him had his heartbeat catapulted to dangerous levels. He tried to calm himself, but the scent of Taiga’s tie lingered on his hands, giving his chaotic mind a bit of reprieve. 

For all of Kochi’s bravado in giving Gavin a scolding, Kochi was quick on his feet when punches were landed, and Kochi and Jesse dragged Hokuto swiftly out of harm's way. He was too flummoxed to make sense of what had happened, and the efficient staff of the pizzeria dragged away Taiga and Gavin before the fight went full-scale mayhem.

He did try to speak to Taiga. Desperately so. He waited outside of his lectures like a stalker, but it was as clear as the day that Taiga was avoiding him. He formed a lot of reasons in his head, but he couldn’t fathom why Taiga had been avoiding him. So he held everything in. He put a period to all his questions and snipped the feelings that sprouted. 

But most of all, he avoided Taiga because of his girlfriend. 

“He only pitied you, I hope you’re not thinking something more into it,” was Ailsa’s nippy statement the last time they spoke.

“Taiga spoke to me first. I’ll be fine avoiding him all my life, but he talked to me first,” he continued to justify his action back there. He didn’t even notice that he’d been standing in front of Ailsa, she was handing him something, but he just stood there like a guilty party. 

“Thank you for participating today, here’s a token of our appreciation,” said Ailsa in clipped tones. 

“Thanks, too,” he said, taking the NGV souvenir from Ailsa’s hands. She didn’t wait for him to say more, she whirled around and walked off. He looked back to where Taiga’s at, he was peeking as expected, and Hokuto nodded at him as though he accomplished a difficult mission. He went back to the makeshift dressing room to change and remove his make-up. He wanted to pretend that Taiga wasn’t outside and he just wanted to go home quickly. He was a last-minute addition to this “innovative fashion show”, a show started by a few of his peers from design school. A lot of them would be graduating in December, a couple had even started making their brand, while Hokuto was still struggling with his lectures. 

“Want to grab a coldie?” One of his fellow models asked, whom he learned went to La Trobe.

He hesitated for a bit but agreed anyway. There was no way Taiga would wait for him, he was probably on his way home. They all went out together, the catwalk they just sashayed earlier was all gone, and Taiga was nowhere to be seen. He shook Taiga out of his head, whatever was happening between Taiga and Ailsa was none of his business. 

Dusk settled and Hokuto blamed the balmy weather for drinking his third beer. By the time he reached the station, a natural blush was on his face. He was feeling a bit giddy, taking selfies of his tipsy face while he waited for the train. He took the nearest empty seat beside a window, and the woman beside him was flipping through mX. He cringed inwardly as a memory came gliding through, and the energy must be strong enough that the woman offered him the tabloid. Awkwardly, he accepted it, mindlessly flipping through the pages even though his alcohol-addled brain only wanted to check one thing, the “Here’s Looking at You” page. 

“To ‘Charlie’ who left a message for a girl in The Chainsmokers’s shirt at Southern Cross sttn, more info please, is she a redhead? — Confused Redhead.” 

Hokuto scoffed. “Trying your luck, eh?” He muttered under his breath. 

“To the mohawk guy leaving tram 67 last Friday, I’m the guy wearing a glittered red jacket. We made eye-contact. I’m gay, are you? — Chester.”

Hokuto rolled his eyes. “Dream on.”

“Shoutout to the guy who helped an old Indian couple asking for directions in front of the State Library, you’re awesome! — Observant passerby.”

That bit put a smile on his face. “Okay, that was cute.”

“I’m the guy in the white tux, want to grab a cuppa? Is CFM your initials? — Tux Boy.”  

The woman left her seat as they approached Richmond and Hokuto alternated between blinking and scratching his eyes, while also fighting off drowsiness. The next minutes were spent in utter disbelief that Mr Tuxedo actually replied as the train chugged on. Maybe this was all a dream.

And he was right.

He woke up with someone shaking his shoulder and as he sleepily looked-up, he thought he was still dreaming upon seeing those familiar eyes. 

“Had a good nap?” Taiga asked casually. 

“Did I…?” He felt something slide down his chin and he couldn’t look at Taiga as he wiped his drool. 

“Uhm, where are we?” He asked, glancing behind the darkness, and shaking his head. He felt lost as though he’d been drugged, unsure of the line between reality and dream. Being on a train is definitely a reality, but Taiga has always been like a dream. 

“Next station is ours so I woke you up.” 

“Oh, uhm, t-thanks? When did you get here? How long was I sleeping for?” 

Taiga looked shy as he said, “Uhm, I was planning to invite you for dinner so I waited for you outside of the gallery.”

Half of his sleepiness was gone as he stared agog. He should have rejected that coldie. 

“Then, I saw you with your…friends? So I ate somewhere before heading back to the campus, and then, I saw you at the station.” 

“Ah…”

“You fell asleep as soon as the woman passed you the paper earlier, you were hugging it in your sleep,” said Taiga, pointing at his arms, “And you were mumbling a lot.”

Hokuto looked at his arms and he could only groan seeing them smudge with newspaper ink residue. He unfolded the paper, and saw “THE AGE” printed on the top center of a front page.

“I wasn’t reading this…wasn’t I reading mX?”

Taiga frowned and smiled as though he told a joke. “Are you still dreaming? That one is no longer in circulation.” 

The cloud of confusion ebbed away as goosebumps appeared on Hokuto’s arms. Taiga was right. The paper had ended its publication and he even rode the train to Flinders Street hoping to get the farewell issue. 

“That was all a dream?” He still couldn’t believe it as the train slowed to Huntingdale. Both of them stood up. Hokuto was too spooked by how real his dream was, he didn’t have time to wipe off the smudge from his arms.  

“Was the dream that good? I felt bad for waking you up,” asked Taiga while they waited for the bus. Both of them knew that the bus back to their campus usually took forever to arrive. 

Hokuto smiled wistfully. “Nah, waking up is better.” The dream was like a reminder to him, didn’t he only wish to talk to Taiga before? But he got more than what he wished for and couldn’t he be contended with that?

“Uhm, can I ask you something?” He asked, because he couldn’t. For the life of him, he couldn’t be contented with just that. 

Taiga jerked his head, and Hokuto could also sense the anticipation. They avoided it for months, but he guessed both of them were prepared for this talk. 

“Why did you do it?”

The wind blew harsher and he zipped up his jacket. He could see in Taiga’s eyes that he understood what he meant. The silence and coldness that followed was excruciating. He’d been wanting answers for a long time, and he was tired of making assumptions. Be it pity, or care, he just wanted to know. 

“I was frustrated,” said Taiga, sighing deeply. 

“...of me?” Hokuto clarified. 

Taiga looked in pain as he agreed. “Of you, me, of the situation.”

“Oh…?”

Taiga smiled bitterly. “I also kept asking myself why I did that. What are we to each other? I don’t even know a quarter about you, so why, why was I so frustrated? Why I hate seeing you allow yourself to be dissed like that?”

Hokuto had no words as he watched Taiga get more pissed at him.

“How can you, basically a stranger, affect me this much?”

Hokuto didn’t say anything. He understood Taiga. It’s frustrating for him as well, he just refused to voice it out. Hokuto subtly wiped away a tear. It wasn’t pity or care. It was anger, and somehow, he felt comforted by that. Anger is just as strong as love, but he wasn't being delusional that Taiga might be in love with him. No. Nah. There's no other meaning, it's just anger.

“Thank you for getting frustrated on my behalf,” he said and he really meant it. His relationship with Gavin did end after that, there was no closure, Gavin just refused to speak to him and blocked him with all his socials. Hokuto thought he would feel bad, but he just felt relieved. 

“Don’t thank me either, I’m not confident to say I did it with the purest intentions.”

Hokuto turned to Taiga in surprise. Looking straight into Taiga’s eyes felt so wrong like he was engaging in voyeurism. Taiga’s eyes were a pool of temptation. They say the devil tempts someone not with ugliness but with someone beautiful. Someone like Taiga, and no wonder some people choose hell.

“You have a girlfriend,” Hokuto murmured, albeit louder than what was necessary. It should have been a reminder for himself not to cross that line. But when Taiga heard it, his eyes widened as though, yeah, he has a girlfriend. 

Taiga took a step back, guilt troubled his face, and he was too preoccupied he had a misstep. Hokuto managed to pull him back before he could fall, wrapping an arm around his back to steady him, and bringing him closer to his face. Hokuto could feel Taiga’s heart beating, or maybe that was his own heart.

“Y-you almost fell,” he said as his voice quivered. Taiga was so close, that he could feel the air coming out of his parted lips, and for a second, he wanted to entertain the devil and just kissed Taiga. Let his kisses say what he can’t voice out.

The bus’s headlights were like his angel stopping him from sinning. He let go of Taiga, both of their faces red, and they couldn't look at each other as the bus’s doors opened. 

“Uhm-”

“You go ahead,” cuts Hokuto, “I just remembered I’ll be meeting my flatmate here,” he said, an obvious lie, and he doubted Taiga also believed him. 

“Then, bye, take care of yourself,” said Taiga, his voice steeped with uncertainty. 

Hokuto waited for the bus to leave before he could finally sigh. “Idiot. You’re the one who almost fell, or, haven’t you yet?”

He half groaned and chuckled as he looked up at the clear night, “God, this is so frustrating!”

When Taiga didn’t show up to his love note in 2015, he should have taken that as a sign that some things aren’t meant to be.

Feb 2024

T 🩷 I G A 

“Your depression screening before and today are so different, it feels like it was done by someone else.” 

Taiga knows lying is futile, but just like any man caught lying, he shall lie again. “It's been a long time, my feelings have changed since then.” 

“Hasn't it only been a week?” asked Dr. Kochi, an eyebrow raised. 

He bit his lip and lapsed into silence.

“Were you completely honest when you answered the questions?”

His answer was immediate. “Yes, I am.”

Kochi still gave him a skeptical look. “I’ll be prescribing you an antidepressant and you have to take this even if you’re feeling okay.” 

“Is - is an antidepressant really needed?” He asked with reluctance. “Can we try with just therapy first?” 

Kochi sighed, the look he gave him was grave. “I’m afraid that’s too late for you.”

“Oh!” Taiga thought that was as bad as getting a terminal disease, but if he’d be strict about the definition of terminal disease, depression could fit the bill.

“I don’t want to say this, but we’re both medical professionals-”

“Not me, I left halfway through my residency,” he cuts in, hoping the bitterness in his voice was concealed. 

“Okay…let me just put it this way then,” said Kochi and pointed at his bandaged hand, “When you were stabbed and bleeding, what's the initial thing you should do?”

“Try to stop the bleeding,” he simply answered. 

Kochi nodded. “Yes, we try to stop the bleeding. We don’t add more trauma to the skin. We wait for it to clot, and in your case, you have to have surgery.”

Taiga just nodded.

“And what do we do when we’re sad?”

Taiga didn’t expect the question and tilted his head to the side. “What do we do? Well, we don’t really let it affect us. It’s not like we can’t work just because we’re sad, life goes on…” he replied quietly as it slowly dawned on him what his doctor was trying to point out. 

“And that’s why we fucked up,” said Kochi, taking his prescription from the printer, “we don’t treat our mental problems like how we treat our physical ailments. Most of the time, we shrug it off. Sadness? Pffft. We don’t give ourselves time to heal. Little did we know, everything would pile up, we crashed and hoped we wouldn't burn.”

Taiga felt breathless, an invisible weight pressing on his chest.

“So, first things first,” his doctor continued, “You will take things slowly, you won’t resume work yet even when your stitches and splint are removed.”

Taiga looked at his bandaged hand and nodded with hesitation. His doctor wouldn’t know if he returned to work.  

“You will take your medications regularly and you will attend your therapy sessions.”

Taiga nodded with determination. “You can count me on that.”

“And lastly, you will express your positive or negative emotions. You will not bottle it up.”

He paused for a bit. “That sounds hard. I don’t think I can do that.”

“You can. I’ve seen you do worse,” he said with a smirk. 

“What do you mean, doctor?”

“The Eagle versus The Crow? I was there.” 

Taiga gasped and covered his mouth. Those were when he was wild and wicked and that Taiga had long been lost. 

“Uhm, so you’re not from here?” 

Kochi shook his head. “I know I’m not that popular but we went to the same uni.”

“Oh!”

“But I met someone from here and we decided to settle here.”

Taiga nodded. He’d been nodding a lot since he got into his psychiatrist's office. And Kochi did look familiar, maybe they’d run into each other back on campus, but he couldn’t place where. Maybe he was a friend of a friend or an acquaintance, but he was too embarrassed to ask. 

“So you didn’t go to school here?” 

“Why?” 

“Well, I’m just wondering if every secondary school student back in the 2010s was familiar with the abbreviation CFM?” 

“CFM? I’ve been there!” He looked excited when he said it, “I mean, only recently though. What about it?”

Taiga sighed. He knew what he wanted to do would be hard. “I’m trying to look for someone and CFM would be like my clue.” 

“One of my partner’s best mates is in the police, maybe he could help.”

“Errr, I don’t think I want the police involved,” he said with a horrified look. The thought of involving the police with a 9-year-old dating ad would be mortifying. He might as well join Flame Island as his mother suggested.

Kochi was quick to get on and asked quietly, “Is it a sensitive issue?”

Taiga is cringing inside. “Just super embarrassing.”

“If this could affect your treatment, I’ll be glad to help.”

Taiga pursed his lips. Would his sudden interest in the identity behind a 9-year-old ad affect his psyche? As cringeworthy as it is, but it’s highly likely. 

“I assure you, doctor, I’m not really taking this seriously. I’m just really curious. I mean, the person who sent this had probably forgotten all about this, I’m probably the only one thinking about this. It’s not that important.”

“You said a lot of things for something you deemed not that important.”

Taiga bit his lower lip and added. “Because it’s really not. It's…it's this.” He took out his phone and showed the snap of the ad. The ad could be read in less than 5 seconds, but for some reason, his doctor stared at it as though the ad was written in a foreign language. 

“Are you okay, doctor?” he asked, waving a hand to his face, “as I’ve said, it’s just…trivial.”

“No, you should find this person at all costs.”

Taiga didn’t expect that reaction, and even though he wanted to keep things professional between him and his doctor, he felt some sort of connectedness toward him. “R-really?” He asked, trying not to sound too happy about having support. “Don’t you think looking for this person might just give me unnecessary stress?”

“Of course not,” he said with conviction as though the word “stress” didn’t exist in his book.

“But what if this person turns out to be someone weird with a criminal history, sex offender, and psychopath?” He winced, realizing he just repeated everything Shintaro had said. So much for being not judgemental.

Taiga could see his doctor’s face and neck had gone red from trying not to laugh as he repeatedly kept clearing his throat. “Let’s try not to be pessimistic, but at the same time, let’s not take this too seriously. Treat this like a hobby, perhaps a treasure hunt? Looking for him will provide you with a much-needed distraction.”

Taiga scowled. “You said, him? Do you think a guy left this ad?”

Kochi blinked at his question. “I’m messing up my pronouns lately, you know, all that he/she/they stuff.”

“Ahhhh…”

“But - but will it be bad if it’s a guy?”

Hokuto’s pale face from the hospital appeared in his mind. “Well, not really. Even though I’m looking for that person, I have no idea what I want to do if I find him or her…or they.”

“Okay! Good luck and if there’s any way I can help you, just say so. Here’s your prescription and I’ll see you in 3 days.”

Taiga took his prescription, but deep inside, he dreaded the thought he might take it for life. He never thought he would feel this. Since when did taking a mere medicine become so burdensome? 

“Don’t overthink it,” said Kochi, the apprehension must be showing on his face.

He tried to smile. “Thank you for this.”

“Do you have any plans after this?”

“Yeah, I’m heading to CFM. I talked to their manager over the phone and he said he might have CCTV copies 9 years ago.”

He felt Kochi tense momentarily. “Oh, so…are you going there now?”

“Yes.”

“As in right at this moment? You’re heading straight there, you won’t be stopping elsewhere?”

He found himself confused with Kochi’s sudden interest in his itinerary. “Uhm, no, I’m heading straight there.”

“Why?”

“Why…not?”

“Why don’t you have lunch first? It's almost noon.”

“I’ll have my lunch there,” he said, unsure why Kochi seemed reluctant to let him go when he just said he should look for that person.

“Oh yeah, it's a restaurant. Very well, uhm, drive slowly-”

“I’m not driving, I’m taking an Uber.”

“Uber! I see, you should try booking now because I heard it's hard to get one lately.”

“I will. I’ll see you again soon.”

“Okay, tell your Uber to drive slowly, okay? Driving fast could stress you out.”

“Ah, I will. Thanks again.” He sighed as he shut the door. His doctor is acting weird. But he’ll think about it later as his palms started sweating from anticipation. He would just be checking a bunch of CCTV records, but for some reason, he felt nervous as though he would finally be meeting the person behind that note. 

H 🖤 K U T O

Hokuto’s eyelids were getting heavy while he waited for his take. He had a couple of in-camera consultations, and he was fighting to stay awake. He glanced at his now empty cup and wondered if it was decaf because it was definitely not working for him. Or maybe no amount of caffeine could wake him up after losing sleep from thinking of Taiga.

His phone rang and hesitated to answer it upon seeing who was calling. He sighed and picked up anyway. 

“Where are you?” Hokuto raised an eyebrow, he could sense some sort of urgency and amusement in Kochi’s voice.

“Filming, why?”

“‘To the guy wearing a white tux that got on at Killara to Wahroonga. We briefly met each other's eyes. Do you need someone to talk to? I’m all ears.’ You’re so cheesy, Hokuto, but it’s cute. Awwww,” said Kochi in an irritating baby voice.

He sat up straight, and the fog of sleepiness cleared as he looked around if someone nearby might have overheard Kochi even though his phone wasn’t on speaker. “How did you know that?” He whispered, growing nervous.

“You’re cooked. Taiga’s heading to CFM to check CCTV records.”

“What?!”

“So, I don't know what you’re going to do. Good luck.”

Hokuto didn’t have time to dawdle and headed over to Howard. “Can I leave for a bit? Like for an hour? Or two? Probably 3 to 4 because it’s quite far and the traffic?”

His director’s answer was immediate and firm, “No.”

Hokuto sighed. Desperation cursing through his veins. “Okay, you win!” He said, removing the tank top he wore, “I’ll even be on Speedos if you want me to, so can I leave for a bit?”

Howard replied quickly, beaming. “Of course! Is this some kind of an emergency? If there’s anything else I can help you with, just say so.”

Hokuto left and sped up to CFM. He’d probably racked up loads of speeding tickets if any cops wouldn’t try to stop him first. He reached CFM and was out of breath as he opened the modern barn-like doors of the restaurant. The place wasn’t that packed for weekday lunch and it was easy to spot Taiga, he was seated on one of the stools by the bar area with a laptop in front of him. 

“Hokuto?” He mouthed in surprise. 

Hokuto was about to speak, but he forgot he brought an entourage with him and Howard’s voice echoed throughout the place that one would think he was using a megaphone. 

“Ahhh, this is a lovely place for lunch! Why have I just heard of this place?” He exclaimed, spreading his arms wide like a main character. 

“It’s quite far but it’s nice, saw they have a golf course, too,” added Howard’s AD as though he was reciting from a script. Or maybe there was actually a script written in haste on their way to CFM.

“If the food is good, maybe we can have this place cater for the Islanders one time,” said Morticia, their location coordinator, looking so unimpressed.

Hokuto couldn’t even hide his cringe. He told Howard and co. to act natural, but he guessed this is why they were working behind-the-scenes, they can’t act. 

The man, who had been speaking with Taiga, approached them in haste. “G’day, welcome to Chives, Figs, and Mortar. I’m Frank, the manager.” 

“Oh, hi!” said Howard, “Sorry for barging in like this without a reservation, but table for 20, please.”

“Uhm, 22,” his assistant corrected. 

“22, please, and I see the potential of this area,” Howard added, making a grand gesture with his arms as though he was sprinkling glitter, “Perhaps we can talk a bit about business later.”

Hokuto swore, dollar signs glinted in Frank’s eyes. “No worries. This way, please.” 

The crew followed their director dutifully, most of them were at a loss as to why their director suddenly called for a pack-up to have lunch elsewhere, while some just wanted it to be over. Hokuto let everyone in first, before making his way to Taiga. 

“I didn’t expect to see you here,” he said, which was of course a lie, “Uhm, are you working right now?” 

Taiga’s face shifted from baffled to dejected. “Not really. I’m just checking something out, but it turns out to be negative.” Hokuto should feel relieved, it looked like Taiga didn’t get to see anything, but he also looked so dejected Hokuto felt bad.

Taiga gently closed the laptop just as his order of club sandwich and chips arrived. Taiga picked up a fry and started eating using his left hand. “Want some?”

“How have you been eating?” He asked instead since Taiga’s right hand was still in a splint.

“Hand or chopsticks. I can use my left hand well.” 

Hokuto nodded, recalling that Taiga was quite ambidextrous when he saw a tear fall from his eye.

“Taiga?” 

Taiga didn’t seem to notice he cried until Hokuto dabbed a napkin on his face. And the look Taiga gave him almost drove him insane. 

“Having expectations is hard, isn’t it?”

“Taiga…”

“By the way, Hokuto-”

“Yes?”

“Why are you only wearing board shorts?” 

He paused and looked down, his chocolate brown nipples hardening from the chill of the restaurant. He muttered all the expletives in his head. How could he not have noticed? He looked as if Baywatch was set on a ranch. 

“I’ve only seen your show in passing so I know what you’ve been wearing, but I didn’t think to see you with only this.” He glanced behind him, Howard was literally barking off orders from the menu. “Are you being bullied at work?” He whispered. 

“N-no, it’s not that.” He sounded so unsure of his answer that Taiga squinted his eyes disapprovingly. 

“I swear-” He hadn't finished explaining and Taiga marched off to where Howard was seated. 

“Having a good time?” said Taiga, crossing his arms. 

“Oooh! Who is this good-looking man, Hokuto? I think I’ve seen you somewhere?”

Taiga scoffed. “Hokuto? That’s Dr. Hokuto for you.”

Howard gaped, shook for someone correcting him as he threw him a look for help. “Uhm, Hokuto told us to just call him by his name.”

“That’s right, Taiga, I’m not that into titles -”

“Let me get this straight,” Taiga continued, as though he didn’t hear him, “Dr. Hokuto didn’t memorize 300 mental illnesses just for him to be dragged in here without his clothes on.” 

“Uhm, I’m the one who dragged them here,” he said in a small voice, “And I don’t memorize DSM-V.”

But Taiga continued to ignore him, it was as though he had a filter built in to block Hokuto’s protests.

“What do you think people are saying every time they see Hokuto with his nipples out on TV? Even my mother can’t recognize him with clothes on, because she’s used to seeing him naked!”

“I’m not exactly naked,” said Hokuto. He couldn’t believe he was defending his lack of wardrobe. He glanced around the restaurant and everyone was watching them exactly like the reality show he was in. He could only wish the ground would swallow him whole.

“Uhm, I’m sure the audience thinks he’s hot. That’s what everyone says on YouTube, right?” Howard asked and everyone on the table nodded quickly. Their faces conflicted as they decipher who is scarier between Taiga and Howard.

“Youtube?” Taiga scoffed, “Not on Reddit though.”

Hokuto couldn’t help but cocked an eyebrow. For someone who’d only seen their show “in passing”, Taiga had been reading subreddits about him. The thought made him just slightly happy until it was back to Big Yikes!

“They think he seduces his patients and sleeps around with them. No one sees him as a doctor, they see him as a himbo!”

Hokuto felt a hot sensation spread on his body and everyone at CFM witnessed his entire body turn red, while their “ooohs!” rang in his ears. 

“I’m quite unstable right now,” said Taiga, locking his hair behind his ear, “But if I see Hokuto’s nipples on TV again, your Flame Island will turn into a new set of Hostel 4. Am I clear?”

“Y-you’re kidding, right?” asked Howard.

Taiga raised his injured hand. “How do you think I got injured?”

Howard turned pale and wordlessly, nodded his head. 

“Good,” said Taiga, smirking as he reached-out his hand, “Now, take off your clothes and give it to Hokuto.”

“My clothes?” 

“I don’t need it, Taiga,” Hokuto objected, horrified that he had to wear Howard’s clothes.

“You don’t want to?” Taiga asked Howard as he looked threateningly at him.

“B-but it's drenched in sweat.”

“Excuse me, sir,” the CFM manager stepped in, “We have shirts here as souvenirs and we’ll be glad to give the doctor a free one.”

Everyone sighed in relief as they would be going home with shirts on their back.

“Okay, cool.”

“No worries.”

Taiga turned to Hokuto with such an angelic smile one would think everything that happened was just his imagination. 

“My doctor told me I shouldn’t stop myself from expressing my emotions, but it's more tiring than I thought,” he said, sighing as though he finished a marathon.

“Oh…” He’d better talk to Kochi.

Taiga smiled, his gaze faltered, and everyone gasped as Taiga fainted in his arms. 

Nov 2017

T 🩷 I G A 

November weather is one of Taiga’s favorites, sunny but not burning to the skin; cold and windy but with less chance of rain. At the moment, however, he is sweating buckets inside the Shrek costume. Aside from feeling hot and sticky, he has been inhaling a noxious mix of sweat, stale breath, and body odor of the past unfortunate medical students who had to wear the ogre costume. It made him think this must be how an ogre would smell if they existed. 

He now regretted telling the pediatric head he did theater in Year 10, even though he was a background prop. He guessed he should be happy for this promotion to a lead role, even though he would soon be 23 and still doing roleplay. The only good thing about his role was he didn’t need to speak, a peer of his was doing the voiceover by the stage side and all he needed to do was act as needed.

“....I now pronounce you King and Qu-” 

Taiga took a deep breath and charged through the hospital's polyester curtain.

“Stop the wedding!”

A dozen or so kids cheered. Taiga tried to look angry, which was so unnecessary because they couldn’t see him, and the mask he wore had a perpetual smug grin. 

Princess Fiona turned. The ogress Fiona, because the hospital couldn’t afford a pre-transformation Princess Fiona. 

“Shrek?”

“Fiona, I need to talk to you.”

The original script had Farquaad in this marriage ceremony but they needed to hasten the production and jumped to the juicy confession parts.

“Oh now you want to talk?” muttered Fiona. Taiga was thankful for the mask because no one saw him visibly cringe. They didn’t get to practice, because they were just informed of this program when they arrived for their shift. But Taiga hoped they at least auditioned for the voice actors. The one reading for Fiona was as flat as an asystole, she might need CPR. Meanwhile, the one inside the Princess Fiona costume was acting as though she was doing ASL as she did a lot of hand movements, Taiga wasn’t too sure. 

“Fiona, you can’t marry him!” 

“And why not?” 

“Because he’s not your true love.” 

“What do you know about true love?” 

“Well, I…duh…”

“Let’s hear what the…monster has to say. It might be worth a laugh.”

“Right…okay…uhm…”

Music started, but it was immediately drowned by a loud static, and it was too late for Taiga to realize that it was his character singing. He just stood there like a clueless and dumb ogre. He guessed he could pretend to sing, albeit the late start, but as he glanced at Fiona with her arms crossed while she tapped her right foot, he decided to might as well drag his leading lady to a dance. 

Except he also had no idea how to dance, and in a plot twist, Fiona ended up leading him; holding him close, guiding him where to place his ogre hands on her, and ending with their free hands clasped and raised as they gently waltz on their tiny stage. 

“...I’ll tear down a wall

And clear a spot for two

To be with you.”  

The song ended, both of them waiting for their respective voice actors to say their line, while they remained in a closed position. 

“You were saying?” asked Fiona and Taiga almost glanced beside the stage, because it's definitely a different Fiona. The new actress is not only more alive, her accent fits right in. 

“I’m your true love.”  Taiga flinched. He only saw Shrek once, but he was quite sure they made a huge time-skip. 

“Yeah I know, and I’m yours.” 

The donkey made an “awww” sound, the kids joined, and the narrator voiced, “Shrek leans in and kisses her…” The donkey and the audience went, “Oooh!”. 

Taiga hesitated for a bit, but he realized he was being stupid because the rubber on their faces basically made the kiss void. He closed his eyes, because why not, he might as well really act like he was kissing her. His bulbous nose bumped into her equally huge nose, making the kids giggle over the unintentional slapstick comedy, and even though they didn’t rehearse, they both tilted their heads to give each other easier access to their lips. 

“Waaaah!” The kids roar in appreciation, or probably it was more of the adults. He knew it was dumb, but he was thankful for the mask because his face was probably red. When was the last time he kissed someone? A little over a year since he became single. 

And Fiona was really pressing her ogress lips to his ogre lips. Fiona broke their kiss, and he felt a bit breathless, while the narrator continued her line, “Fiona slowly transforms to an ogress.”

The prop crew glided on stage, showering Fiona with glitters, ribbons, cotton-fluffs, and baby powder. Fiona’s voice floated amidst the props, “...until you find true love’s first kiss and then takes love's true form…true form…true form…”

“Fiona…are you alright?” asked Shrek, seeing Fiona’s true form, an ogress. 

“Well, yes, but I don’t understand. I’m supposed to be beautiful.

“But you are beautiful.”

Music flowed with the voice of Shrek, he knew he didn’t want to dance, and he was thankful when every student involved joined them on stage. It was such a mess, that they had no idea what else to do, and in the end, they all pretended to be humming the song, which turned out to be long and awkward. The song ended, and everyone burst into enthusiastic claps as though they’d just watched a Broadway masterpiece. 

Taiga finally let out a sigh. It was over. The play is not just the thing that’s over, because by Monday, he will be back in Uni as his rural health and rural community rota is done. 36 weeks in Gippsland had been a tremendous help to him, not just academically, but mentally as well. It was his “Eat, Pray, Love” even though he just ate most of the time. 

When the applause died down, their narrator introduced them one-by-one. Taiga could finally breathe a sigh of relief as he removed his ogre mask. The antiseptic smell was comforting as he waved back to the kids who were shouting his name like his biggest fans. He turned to Maya aka Fiona, but she didn’t bother removing her mask, until everyone bowed deeply, and left the stage. 

“Taiga, don’t you have any crazy socks?” asked Claire, one of the charged nurses, “We have an extra at the station - for a price of course.” 

“I brought one, I’ll wear it after I’m out of this costume,” he said and went to the meeting room to change, he opened the door and gasped upon seeing Maya’s naked back. 

“Sorry! Wrong room.” He quickly whirled around, his hand on the doorknob when Maya spoke. 

“You’re in the right room.”

Taiga froze. It was a man’s voice. A very familiar one. 

“The original Princess Fiona had an emergency before the wedding scene and let’s just say, I got bullied into it.” 

He wanted to put his mask back on, but his body must have been petrified. He couldn’t move and he couldn’t resist either when someone held his shoulder and steered him around until he had a good look at Hokuto. He looked directly into Hokuto’s eyes, and the moment he did, his chest trembled.

“It’s been a long time,” said Hokuto. He still looked like any Asian parent would be proud of, although he’d gotten thinner and paler,  there was something different about Hokuto. He felt hardened, a bit intense.

“Yeah, it’s been a long time,” he repeated. “So, how’s London?” He asked before he could stop himself. He should not know that Hokuto spent a year in London as an exchange student.

“Dreadful,” he said with a deadpan look. 

“Ohhh…”

“I heard you’re single.” 

Taiga did his best to keep his face blank. He had no idea how it reached Hokuto, but he didn’t want to ask either. “Well, yeah. And you, why are you here?” He asked, quickly changing the topic.

Hokuto seemed to block his question and asked, “Want a coldie later?” 

“Later?” He tried to come up with an excuse, but Hokuto decided to answer for him. 

“Okay, I’ll see you later. We’re here for the Mental Health Awareness Week for healthcare workers and I have a meeting to attend,” said Hokuto as he quickly finished dressing and before he opened the door. 

He still tried to get away. “Uhm, I don’t know if I’m available later, I think we have a farewell party-”

Hokuto glanced back, his face said it all, saying no was not an option.

“Either you’re available later, or,” Hokuto leaned closer, his hot breath was enough for the hair on his nape to stand, “The next time Fiona and Shrek kissed, they wouldn’t be wearing a mask.”

The world around him fell silent. A tingling sensation traveled down his back, and he could only stare as Hokuto gave him a teasing smile, before he walked away. 

H 🖤 K U T O 

“It wasn’t me, it was the ogre in me speaking earlier .” Hokuto sighed, Taiga would never forgive him for his brashness once the shock wore off. Taiga might have even gone home, because why would he wait for him?

“But what can I do? I terribly miss him.” He went to the medical clerks' room where he was told where the Year 4 students would convene. He only saw two people there and when he asked about Taiga, “I think he’d gone home” was their response. 

He left the hospital with his shoulders slumped, feeling dejected, and foolish for expecting too much. He spent the day running a mental health check to the hospital’s staff and now, he probably needed one. He thought the 2 semesters he spent in London changed him. He didn’t jump into the dating scene immediately, but he did try to go out and meet new people. But after surprisingly seeing Taiga earlier, the old him is back; pinning and entertaining “what ifs”.

He sighed and told himself to get over it. Lady Luck had been kind to him since he chose to stop pinning for Taiga. Despite the awful weather in London, his days had been easy, and luck would still shine upon him even in what he thought were his most trying times.

“Hokuto!” 

A chill ran down his spine when he heard that almost hysterical scream, he turned around and saw Taiga panting behind him. 

“Why do you walk so fast?” asked Taiga between catching his breath, “I’ve been calling you!”

“I thought you’d gone home,” he said softly, clenching his hands to his side or he might do something brazen again like hugging Taiga. 

“Obviously, I’m still here. Do you have a place in mind?”

He slowly shook his head. They just arrived yesterday and he only knew how to go home. 

“Then, follow me, I know a good place.” 

The good place Taiga knew turned out to be a colonial-styled hotel.

“It’s a small town and most pubs are in the hotels,” said Taiga, the apprehension on his face must be showing, but he tried to deny it. 

“I’m just thinking this place must be expensive since it’s in a hotel.”

“If you say so,” said Taiga as he opened the doors for him to the pub. It’s the start of the weekend and a cricket match is being broadcast on the telly. The pub was almost full of people of all ages, there were even families with little kids, but the most raucous bunch were the cricket fans. Their eyes glued to the telly while chugging a beer and wearing the country’s colors. 

They were given a seat somewhere in the middle where Hokuto found himself being stared at by a kid with the clearest blue eyes. 

“Are you okay here? Or do you prefer somewhere quieter?” asked Taiga, he was almost shouting as a few men erupted to a cheer, some even exchanged a high-five with them. Hokuto was not a fan of any sports save for football, and he always thought of cricket as being long and boring. So it was quite a surprise to see cricket fans with this much energy. 

“I’m fine here,” he lied. Both of them ordered fish and chips and two glasses of Victoria Bitter. 

“I would think you’d gotten tired of fish and chips,” said Taiga, “Is it not better over there?” 

“Just the same,” he said. He really didn't want to eat another fish and chips but he couldn’t think straight either with Taiga being so close. Instead of sitting across from him, he transferred his seat beside him so they could talk without having to shout. 

Taiga nodded and eyed him curiously. “So, lost all your spunk earlier, huh?”

“I’m really sorry about that,” he said quickly, “I thought I was still an ogre…ogress.”

“That’s too bad, I prefer when you lead me on.” 

Hokuto had to close his mouth when their orders arrived. What did that comment sound so…submissive, but in a sexy way if that made sense? The cricket fans were loud again, and the blue-eyed baby decided to have a tantrum, his shrieks even shocked nearby fans. 

Although they were watching cricket, Taiga and he were playing ping-pong, Taiga would throw mundane questions, like, “Does it really always rain in London?”, and he would throw in the shortest reply, “Yeah”. He must have bored Taiga with his answers because Taiga switched his attention to the game so he also turned to the telly. He had no idea about the rules of the game, and he didn’t even notice he finished his beer. 

He was about to order another glass when Taiga spoke, “Do you want to go out with me?” 

Hokuto thought he would choke on his chip, but quickly realized he wasn’t eating any chip, but his esophagus decided to contract from sheer surprise. 

He looked at Taiga, his full attention now on him, and everything else seemed to have muted save for the pounding of his chest. 

“Are you asking me out?” Wrong answer, he muttered to himself. He should summon that inner ogre, or ogress, back. 

Taiga blinked, looking baffled either by his question or his answer, and Hokuto would really smack himself if Taiga changed his mind. 

“Are you…seeing anyone right now?” asked Taiga. 

Hokuto shook his head. 

“Then, do you want to date me?”

Hokuto blinked as it dawned on him what should be his question. “Why are you asking me out?”

Taiga finished the rest of his beer as though it was his fuel for what he said next, “I like you.”

The cricket crowd made a cry of hurrah and Hokuto felt those cheers were all for him.

“It took me a while to realize that, and when I did, you were already on a flight to London. I thought that with your absence, my feelings for you would eventually be gone, but I guess…you took my heart with you when you left.” 

The crowd started chanting, “Same old Aussies, always winning. Same old England, always whinging,” and Hokuto wanted to shout for them to shut up. But he couldn’t speak or move, afraid that a mere movement would shatter this bubble he was in. It was one of those times when the reality was better than his dreams.

“You took my heart with you when you left.” He wasn’t even a royalist, but God Save the Queen.

“So…” Taiga looked at him earnestly, “Will you go out-”

“Say no more,” he cuts in and kisses Taiga. He felt Taiga tense, before he pulled away. His eyes were wide with surprise.

“There are people around,” Taiga whispered, his face growing red.

A different chant echoed around the bar. Their eyes glued on the telly.

“Nah, they're too busy to mind,” he swooped in for another kiss. Taiga still hesitated, but it was just for a moment as he softened and kissed him back, drowning every bit of noise around them with their lips. 

It looked like Lady Luck was still favoring him.

Feb 2024

T 🩷 I G A 

When Taiga next opened his eyes, an unfamiliar man with sleek grey hair and thick-framed glasses was smiling down at him. He just absentmindedly stared and it took him quite some time to deduce that the man was real and not a hallucination.

“Where am I?” He asked, his voice feeble.

“You look like an angel while you sleep, those eyelashes should be criminal. Are you interested in modeling?”

Taiga needed clarification. He slowly sat up, feeling jaded while the man took something from a card case.

“Silver Brinski. I’m an agent, and I also represent Hokuto.”

He read his card with passing interest. “Uhm, am I at Hokuto’s…?”

“Side-hustle,” Silver said, parting the curtains and he had to shield his eyes. “Welcome to Flame Island.” 

“Flame Island?” He repeated, a bit more awake now when he understood he was in the infamous bayside mansion. He probably should have taken videos for his mother, but he decided against it because his mother would surely have her hopes up that he might join the reality show.

“He has an ongoing consultation at the moment, and I know what you’re thinking, are those not scripted?” 

Taiga didn’t say anything. He wasn’t even thinking about anything but Silver Brinski acted like he was tired of giving these explanations.

“Of course, they are not scripted. But you know, reality shows won’t survive without the drama and one of the hottest teas is spilled when they’re in consultation with Hokuto.” 

“What happened to patient-doctor confidentiality?” He asked, genuinely interested. 

Silver shrugged. “They all signed a waiver. But after what happened to one islander last season, Hokuto sometimes gets involved with editing to make sure some stuff doesn't get aired.” 

Taiga smiled. It was lovely to hear Hokuto advocating for his clients. 

“Uhm, what happened last season?”

“Oh, this happened before Hokuto joined the show, but one islander unalive herself as soon as she was voted out because she couldn’t take the backlash.”

“That’s…awful.” Taiga thinks he might have heard about it in the news, but it was 2021 and his mind was all over the place. 

Silver nodded glumly, the door opened and a staff member asked to speak to him. 

“Feel free to roam around, just stay on the grounds and avoid the main mansion,” Silver said before leaving the room. 

He sighed and stretched his arms. He guessed expressing his emotions did him good. He had a restful nap and hoped it didn’t cost Hokuto his job. He had to admit he might have overreacted a bit, just a bit. 

“Should I apologize to that director? Tch. I really don’t want to.” He got up and an invigorating sea breeze fanned his face as he opened the door. 

“Nice!” He took deep breaths, feasting his eyes on the cerulean blue sea, listening to the crashing of the waves, and letting his face be sun-drenched. He didn’t realize he’d gone farther until the grassy path became slate stone tiles. He followed the path until his eyes fell to a shaded patio filled with jacaranda flowers. There were two beach chairs, one occupied by Hokuto and the other, by a woman in an oversized tee, whom he recognized as one of the islanders. A single camera was pointed at them, while a man by the side was busy on his iPad, probably taking notes. 

The woman appeared in distress, mascara running down her cheeks, while Hokuto sat at a respectable distance. Taiga was too far away to overhear anything but close enough to watch Hokuto. The director must have heeded his threat, Hokuto was still wearing board shorts, but he now wore a shirt with a print that reads, “Keep Talking, I’m Diagnosing You.” He looked so dependable, and at the same time, so dreamy. 

He slapped his cheek as his thoughts threaded on a forbidden territory. Hokuto was done listening and he started speaking now, and Taiga could only smile to see that some things hadn't changed, Hokuto still spoke at length, and Taiga wondered how much editing had to be done to cut Hokuto’s talk. Hokuto spotted him, both of them caught off guard, and both of them smiled as though they shared a joke. 

“Welcome to Flame Island!” 

Taiga was startled and he tried not to appear disgusted as Howard approached him.

“Glad to see you’re awake.”

“Obviously,” he murmured, before forcing a smile and dipping his head slowly, “I apologize for how I acted earlier. That was so impudent of me-”

Howard raised his hand to stop him from continuing. “I don’t need an apology but I accept it nonetheless. I may not look like it, but I won’t be in this business if I’m onion-skinned, I eat hate and criticisms for breakfast.”

“Oh…okay.” He wouldn’t deny that he was a tiny bit impressed. 

“So…you and Dr Hokuto are?” He inquired, his eyes drifting to the patio. 

“We went to the same Uni,” he simply said. His relationship with Hokuto remained a tricky territory. 

“I see. Uni, huh? And what happened to you earlier? Are you okay?” 

Taiga frowned. “Right, I fainted-”

“No, not that, before you fainted…”

“Uhm, the one where I picked a fight with you?”

“Before that, before we arrived at Chives-something.”

Taiga remained frowning. “What happened to me? I can’t think of anything significant that happened to me at CFM today.” 

Howard was the one scowling now. “So Hokuto…just wanted to ditch work?”

“I don’t get what you mean…”

“I thought there was some kind of an emergency when Hokuto asked to leave earlier, turns out there was nothing?”

“I thought you guys went there for lunch?”

“We did, but we wouldn’t be driving all the way there if it weren’t for Hokuto. I thought something bad must have happened to you - oh, they’re done! Excuse me.”

Taiga watched Howard approach an islander who’d been speaking to Hokuto earlier, and when his eyes drifted to Hokuto, he began sharing Howard’s confusion. Did Hokuto bring all of them to CFM for what? For…him? But why? And how did Hokuto even know he would be at CFM? Only Kochi knows.

“How are you feeling? How long have you woken-up?”

“Hmmm?”

“You passed-out and I assumed it was just a psychogenic blackout. Nothing to worry about unless it keeps on happening when you’re anxious or too overwhelmed.”

“Hmmm?”

“Hmmm?” Hokuto repeated, tilting his head to the side and Taiga had a good view of the now empty patio.

“Oh! You’re done with filming?” He asked, cringing inwardly at how far his thoughts had traveled.

“I am. Didn’t you see us finished?”

“Uhm, I-I did. This is actually a nice place,” he said, quickly changing the topic and turning to look at the back of the mansion where the islanders lived. 

“It is, if there will be a next season, I’m sure Howard won’t say no to you.”

Hokuto was grinning when he turned to him and asked, “Will you be there if I join?”

Hokuto frowned. “As a psychologist or an islander?”

“Who do you want to be?”

“Neither. I want this to be my last season.”

“Oh, I guess I won’t join then.”

Hokuto scoffed. “You will never join a show like this,” he said with confidence.

“How sure are you?” He asked in a challenging tone, crossing his arms. 

“You never liked PDA, remember?” Hokuto asked in an equally challenging tone. “There are cameras here everywhere, how will you deal with that?”

“You never liked PDA, remember?” Taiga repeated that question in his head as Hokuto stepped away when Howard called him. 

“You never liked PDA, remember?”  Of course, Hokuto would know. 

H 🖤 K U T O  

“Uhm, do you want to have dinner somewhere?” asked Hokuto when they were almost at their place. He’d been wanting to ask Taiga for dinner, but he’d been quiet throughout the ride. The type of quiet where you just knew they didn’t want to be bothered, and Taiga had that energy since they left the bayside mansion. 

“I’m good, I had three lava cakes with different fillings earlier.” 

He nodded. The mansion’s resident chef decided to have Taiga be the taste-tester of a few desserts she’d been experimenting with. 

“Uhm…you were speaking to Howard earlier?” He finally found the courage to ask as Taiga’s Hyacinth building came into view. “Is he trying to recruit you for the next season?” He added. He didn’t want Taiga to think that he was concerned about something that he shouldn’t be concerned about. 

Taiga turned. “He asked me about our relationship.”

“Ah…”

“I told him we went to Uni together.”

“Right and we’re here,” he said but Taiga didn’t look like he was ready to leave. 

“Should I have told him we used to date?” 

Hokuto tried to appear nonchalant. Their dating history could rival every islander’s story. “You answered correctly. Knowing Howard, if you told him our situation before, he’d probably make you enter Flame Island even just to cause chaos.” 

“Which I wouldn’t have the guts to do with all the cameras – as you’ve said. By the way, the woman whom you spoke to earlier, she’s the one with an ex inside, right?”

He cocked an eyebrow. Taiga is contradicting himself, he definitely didn’t see the show by chance. “Right. Having four islanders who were exes was the highlight of this season just to see if they would even attempt to get back together for the competition, or love, or money,” he narrated, which was basically the spiel of the MCs.

“That’s wild. Can you imagine us being there?”

Hokuto was now growing nervous about Taiga’s interest in the show. “What did Howard really tell you?”

Taiga giggled. “I’m just kidding. I really admire the islanders for having the grit to be judged by strangers, and I admire you for helping them get through this.”

Hokuto had no words. Being praised by Taiga would forever be one of his weaknesses and as a proof, his ears felt hot. 

“I don’t think my mental health would be able to take it, you know what happened when…” Taiga paused and Hokuto waited with bated breath, before Taiga changed the topic, “Uhm, I actually started seeing a psychiatrist for depression.” 

Hokuto just nodded. Even though he’d been in the business for years, he had no idea what to say when someone told him they'd been seeing a shrink. It was along the lines when someone offered you “Condolences”, saying “Thank You” seemed apt enough, but it still felt weird and even wrong.

“...and I would be moving with my mother for a while during treatment, I guess as a precaution in case I decided to, I don’t know, hang-a-roo .”

“Taiga, don’t think like that,” he said with horror. 

“Just like earlier, I think I’m going to be more impulsive. I guess it’s that thought that I missed out on a lot of things because I’m too depressed and as my psychiatrist said, I should no longer bottle up my emotions.”

Hokuto, again, tried to be chill. Impulsivity is a symptom of depression, and in Taiga’s personality, it could be dangerous. He should really speak to Kochi. Taiga might go bungee-jumping next time, join Flame Island, or worse, do something irreversible to himself. 

“As long as you won’t hurt yourself from being impulsive,” he said carefully. “I think giving in to your positive desires that you think you’ve locked up would be good. Just don’t think of joining Flame Island, ever!” He finished.

Taiga just smiled as though he just said something funny. “It’s really nice that I get to talk to you like this.” 

“Well..why not?” 

“Because…of our past.”

“Past is past.”

Taiga remained smiling, more wistfully than amused. “Right. Thank you for dropping me off,” he said quickly as he removed his seatbelt, “I guess I’ll see you around.”

“Take care,” he said. Taiga waved him goodbye and entered the compound.

He held the steering wheel tight and sighed. “Past is past, huh?” He shook his head and drove home. 

The next couple of weeks have been booked and busy for him. He had no idea if Taiga had left Hyacinth. He didn’t dare to try if Taiga was still using his old number. Thankfully, Kochi would nicely inform him if Taiga attended his therapy session, but other than that, he wouldn’t share anything more about Taiga’s progress. Each night, he would walk Luke until they reached Hyacinth and they would circle the area for a bit, hoping to catch a glimpse of Taiga if he was still there. He knew it was ridiculous to wait for someone whom he just told, “Past is past”.

Until one evening on his way home, he received a call from Kochi, and the worry-wart in him made his heartbeat shoot to 100s in mere seconds for fear it might be bad news about Taiga. 

“Is everything okay with Taiga?” He asked as he pulled over to the side of the road. 

Kochi’s reply was odd, “Oh, so you’re watching right now?” 

“Huh? What do you mean?” 

“60 Minutes, quickly!’ 

He was confused. He is familiar with the said documentary show, but he didn’t see the urgency. “What about 60 minutes?” 

“Taiga is having a special interview.”

He was agog. “What?!” 

He slammed on the gas, he tried speaking to Kochi, but all he could hear was Taiga’s voice on the telly. Luke was all over him as he arrived home, he immediately tuned in to Channel 9, and Taiga’s voice soon filled his living-room. 

“I’m not really expecting anything,” said Taiga, smiling at one of the channel’s top reporters, Sarah Brown. One would think Taiga must be flirting with her, or maybe it was only Hokuto thinking that. 

“I just want to put a face to that name,” added Taiga, “And let’s see what happens next.” 

Hokuto was confused. What was Taiga talking about? The interview looked recorded, because Sarah Brown was back at the studio and what he saw on the green screen made his knees go weak. 

It was his Here’s Looking at You note.

Sarah Brown continued, “If you’re CFM6, you may reach our dedicated email address for this search, send us an email at [email protected] .”

Luke must have sensed his distress as he stopped demanding a belly rub and simply placed his chin on his thigh. Hokuto started stroking his head while credits on the telly rolled in. 

“Luke…what do you think of Tasmania?”

“Hokuto? Hokuto?” 

He placed his phone on a loudspeaker. 

“...did you see all of that? I think it’ll be uploaded on Youtube too,” said Kochi over the phone. 

“Do you think Yo Oizumi fits me as a new name?” He asked. 

“Sorry,” said Kochi, “When I told him to express his emotions, I didn’t mean something like this.” 

“I’m at fault too,” he said, still in shock, “I told him it’s okay to be impulsive as long as he’s not hurting himself….Guess who will pay for that advice? Hah! Life comes in full circle, how is that?”

“You know what’s the only solution to this, right?”

He closed his eyes and lay on the floor. He knows, but he doesn't know how. Or he knows, but he just can’t. 

But one thing is for sure, no secrets can remain hidden. 

Nov 2017

T 🩷 I G A

“Don’t you think of doing anything funny, we’re just spending the night here because it’s late, all the buses and taxis are gone, and we’re so lame not to have cars,” said Taiga, trying his best to look uninterested as Hokuto lay down in the right lateral recumbent position with nothing but a bathrobe on. And why is he using a medical term for this? Also, why is the hotel out of twin beds? 

“You’re the one who's thinking something else,” said Hokuto, never leaving his gaze as he bent one leg, and gave Taiga a view of his toned thighs, “I don’t have extra clean clothes and I don’t want to sleep on what I wore for work and before work.”

“Tch. So should I sleep on the floor then?” asked Taiga as he decided to wear his scrubs. 

“I don’t mind a bit of microbes,” said Hokuto, urgently patting the space next to him.

Taiga scoffed, and acted like it was such an inconvenience for him to share a bed. “Did you put that on after thoroughly drying your body? I hate it when it's damp.”

“I blow-dried my body,” joked Hokuto, or he thought it was a joke, but he didn’t have time to think about it when Hokuto spooned against his back, hugging him tightly. 

“You smell like baby powder,” said Taiga, sniffing Hokuto’s fingers. 

Hokuto sniffed his nape, sending delicious shivers down his spine. “You smell of the ward.”

He giggled and turned around. Hokuto’s eyes were either sleepy or sultry-looking, but they looked so tempting he just had to lock lips with him again. Hokuto tastes so good that the supposedly peck on the lips turns needy to a full-on make-out session. It was such a shame he had to pause for air.

“You said nothing funny,” murmured Hokuto, his lips giving butterfly kisses as he spoke.

“Is kissing funny?”

“It could easily move to funny.”

Taiga chuckled, blaming that one glass of alcohol for why he couldn’t stop giggling.

“Uhm, can I ask you something?” 

“What?” Asked Hokuto while he played with the tiny hairs on his arm.

“Uhm, where did you hear I’m single?”

“Hmmm, that…” he murmured lazily.

“What’s with that reaction?” His eyes squinted, eyeing Hokuto suspiciously, “Did…did she tell you?” His break-up with Ailsa was like a messy divorce. The type where the wife would bleed her husband dry. Even their 2 other flatmates were not spared from having to choose sides between mommy and daddy. The only reason their divorce didn’t escalate to a decade-long battle was Ailsa’s graduation, and whether she liked it or not, she had to leave their apartment and campus. 

“I arrived last September,” said Hokuto, “And I met her when I had some business at the registrar.”

“Ahhh, do I want to know what she told you?” He asked, biting his lower lip and bracing himself for a lot of name-shaming and cursing.

Hokuto hesitated while looking amused. “She meant no offense….”

Taiga swallowed hard, he would definitely get offended.

“...she said she used to hate me, but she realized that I’m just a victim of your…indecisiveness.” 

Taiga grappled for words as he placed a hand on his chest. He felt like a homewrecker who was blamed for everything that had gone wrong. 

Hokuto seemed oblivious to his dilemma and continued to drop bombs. “Uhm, I spoke with Ailsa after that incident at the pizzeria, remember you were avoiding me that time?”

Taiga managed a nod.

“Well, I ran on to her and she told me that you just pitied me and I shouldn’t give it more meaning.”

He raised an eyebrow. He had no idea something like that had been happening. 

“I did try not to think much about it. I avoided you, until we ran into each other at the gallery, and do you remember our convo while we waited for the bus?”

He nodded. He recalled that night with stark clarity. It was the night he finally admitted and accepted his true feelings for Hokuto, but decided to mask it as frustration. After all, there was some truth to that frustration, because that was what he felt for the next few months. He guessed rather than indecisive, he was really conflicted.

“I decided to really step back after that night. I knew it wouldn’t be easy if I would still see you around the campus, so I accepted a previous offer I declined about being an exchange student. And before I left, I sent Ailsa a message.”

“You sent her a message?” He clarified, trying not to sound jealous, “You know her number?” He didn’t even know Hokuto’s number until now, yet somehow he was able to contact Ailsa.

Hokuto smiled. “She gave all of us her card when we did that fashion stint at NGV.”

“Ahhhh…”

“Anyway, I told her that I'm leaving for a while and I sincerely hope that both of you will patch things up,” he said shyly.

“In short, you decided to give me up,” he concluded.

Hokuto appeared affronted. “I don’t like the way that sounded, but I guess I’m guilty of giving-up easily. I gave you up twice.”

Scowling, he asked, “Twice? What do you mean?”

“Uhm, well,” Hokuto avoided his eyes, “let’s just say you already caught my attention the first time I saw you…then, I learned you have a girlfriend.”

Taiga didn’t think he would like Hokuto more. Thankfully, Hokuto was too flustered to look at him, because he couldn’t keep himself from smiling. He now understood why Hokuto looked shocked when they first met. He must have made quite an impression despite his daggy outfit.

“Oh..uhm, I didn’t think I was such a looker back at the library,” he said, clearing his throat to cover his glee.

Hokuto looked back at him, his face shifted from confusion to surprise and enlightenment. “Right…the library.”

“Did I say something wrong?” He asked as he tried to break through his mountain of memories. 

“No. Nothing.”

“O…kay,” he said, but he again felt that he had done something wrong, and the mood in the room shifted to awkward. 

“Hokuto…”

“Hmmm?”

“Sorry if it took me a long time.”

Hokuto chuckled. “Why are you talking like we’re 80 and about to die? We still have a lot of time.”

He shook his head, smiling apologetically. “What I meant was, it took me a while to realize I like you. It was like falling in love for the first time again, but compared to how I told everyone that I was in love with our teacher, somehow, I didn’t have the confidence this time. I know I like you, but what should I do with those feelings?”

“Because…I’m gay?”

He reluctantly nodded. “I’m the worst, aren’t I?”

Hokuto gently cupped his face and kissed his forehead. “There’s no need to apologize, I understand, and I’m thankful you chose to be brave and be with me.”

He hugged him close, loving the softness of the bathrobe on his face. “Also, I’m not mad that you chose to give up on me before. You deserve to be happy with someone who loves you.”

“And I chose Gavin of all people.”

He chuckled and continued in a more serious tone as he looked into his eyes, “Still, I’m not asking you not to give up on me, but if there comes a time when being with me gets too hard, tell me, so I can help you to hold on. But also, if you ask me to let you go, I will -”

“Why are you being pessimistic?” asked Hokuto, aghast,  “I assure you being with me is not a Romeo and Juliet situation.”

“I’m just being realistic,” he argued. 

“Screw that,” said Hokuto as he straddled on top of him, “Let’s do ‘funny’ instead.”

Taiga’s eyes were wide in astonishment as Hokuto’s fingers started moving like crab’s pincers. “What are you planning to do? Don’t you dare! I swear - ack!”

His protest subsided and was replaced with fits of giggles as Hokuto attacked him with tickles, and it didn’t take long for a staff member to knock on their door because of noise complaints. 

H 🖤 K U T O 

Hokuto is happy. Even when a patient throws poop at him, he is still happy. Even when their clinical abstractor made him redo 124 slides in less than 4 hours, he was still happy. Even when the hospital only listens but will not do a thing to their suggestions on how to keep their staff sane, he is still happy. Even when the car he rented keeps breaking down every 30 minutes, he is still happy. Even when the hay farm next to their accommodation has a Pied Piper of Hamelin situation every night, he is still happy. Even when his cycle of bad and good luck has returned, he is still very much happy.

No one could ruin his day or week, because, at the end of the day, he gets to have a video chat with his boyfriend. 

“Hi!” said Hokuto, making a cutesy double-wave after he propped-up his phone in his locker. 

Taiga just waved, his face so close to the camera he couldn’t see where he could be. 

“What’s up?” He asked, stripping. 

“Seriously, Hokuto, do you have to show me your ass?” said Taiga, smirking.

He chuckled. “I’m just changing and I’m sure you missed this.” He smacked his butt and started wiggling his hips to the tune of “Waka Waka”, making Taiga red from laughing. 

“Stop that,” said Taiga, covering half of his face from a secondhand embarrassment. 

“Why? I’m dancing because I’ll be seeing you again in 2 days,” he continued to jiggle when the door opened. He quickly resumed dressing and almost fell on the floor from trying to put one leg into his pants

“Are you okay?” asked Rico, he’s one of the nurses that’s super nice to him.

“No worries,” he said, glancing at his phone and seeing the screen black. He hastened to dress when Rico spoke again.

“Uhm, Hokuto, I overheard the other day that you’re gay, and I’m wondering if -”

“Sorry,” he said quickly as he took off all the contents of his locker, “I’m taken.”

“Oh, t-that’s great!”

“Thank you, it has been really great,” he said and his heart just swelled. “Uhm, thanks for everything, bye!” 

He left the room and bid goodbye to the rest of the staff who took care of them for a week. He was just eager to go home. Taiga thought that he wouldn't be returning until Sunday, but no, he would be surprising his boyfriend by returning tonight to the campus.

He was walking to his rented car when someone covered his eyes and he could just tell.

“Taiga…”

“Eh? What gave me away?”

Hokuto shrugged. “I’m not really sure, your touch? And why are you still covering my eyes?”

Taiga just giggled and instructed him to keep his eyes closed, and the next thing he knew, he was being blindfolded.

“What’s this? What’s this?” The horny part of him was just thrilled by the unknown.

“It’s a surprise,” said Taiga, steering him somewhere until he had to slouch to enter a vehicle.

“Oooh, where are we going? Are you driving?”

“Nah, I can’t drive. But my best mate here is driving us somewhere I can’t disclose.”

“Best mate?” He couldn’t help but smile, getting introduced to Taiga’s best mate was a huge deal.

“Oh yeah, Shintaro, meet Hokuto. Shin drove from Sydney to help me.”

“Yeah because I’m being blackmailed,” he heard Shintaro grumble, but his tone turned sweet at him, “Nice to meet you, Hokuto, although you can’t really see me congratulations on making my best mate into a homo-”

He heard some smacking. “Why would you say that?” Taiga complained.

“Why? Is that…homophobic?”

“Don’t mind him, Hokuto,” said Taiga and Hokuto wasn’t able to reply as Taiga continued, “Just drive if you don’t want me to tell auntie you invested their money at an emu farm.”

The car started moving, but Taiga and Shintaro were still arguing, it was easy to tell from their banter that they were really close, and Hokuto found himself amused with their raillery.

“Emu oil is all the rage now, they put it in a lot of products. I just learned last night that even my deodorant has emu oil. I’m expecting a really huge return.”

“Pray hard if you don’t want your mother to squeeze your face for oil.”

“Tsk. Tsk. Business is all about taking risks.”

“That’s why I didn’t take up business.”

“Once it gets big, I’ll name an emu after you.”

“Not interested and are we on the right path?”

Hokuto didn’t want to ruin the surprise, but he raised his chin until he could see something below his blindfold and it was just an endless expanse of grass. He couldn’t help to be nervous, and hoped that wherever they were headed, it didn’t have the rat situation of his neighboring hay farm. 

“I’m just following the GPS, what kind of woop woop place is this?”

“Typical Sydneysider, you’re such a snob,” said Taiga with such a snooty air. 

“Pfft, I doubt this area even has plumbing. Have they developed this area since we were a penal colony?”

“Isn’t that where you used to live until you were two? Botany Bay, is it?”

“Now, you’re being a snob,” said Shintaro with fervor.

“Hah!”

Hokuto tried to take a peek again. Although he’s confident Taiga means no harm, he just needs to check. 

“Don’t try to peek, Hokuto, if you don’t want me to tie your hands,” said Taiga and he immediately lowered his head. 

“I think this is the place!” said Taiga excitedly, “Over there – there!”

“Are you sure?” 

Hokuto may not know Shintaro, but he shares his doubts. The road became sort-of uneven, they slowed, until they went to a full-stop. 

“Don’t peek, Hokuto, we’ll be quick.” 

He heard them unbuckle their seat belts, doors opening and closing, and he could also feel the trunk open. He counted to 60 because he needed to check where they were, but he was just on 55 when his side was opened. 

“Let’s go, Hokuto,” said Taiga, holding both of his hands. 

“You guys will be fine?” 

“We will. Thank you, bruv.”

“No worries, nice meeting you, Hokuto, and behave yourselves here.” 

“Uhm, I wish we could meet again without the blindfold,” said Hokuto, unsure where Shintaro is.

“We will, take care.”

He listened to the engines until he could hear nothing but the blowing of the wind. “Are we near the sea?” He asked although he couldn’t hear any waves crashing. 

“Nah, we are…” Taiga steered him to wherever before taking off his blindfold, “...going camping! Happy weeksary!”

He found himself stunned as he looked at the miles and miles of rolling hills. The breeze feels amazing, the air is fresh, and the horizon looks spectacular. 

“We went here during our rota and I thought the place was marvelous, don’t you like it?” asked Taiga as he smiled with anticipation. 

“I’m overwhelmed.” Taiga kissed him, and he just couldn’t tell him. He couldn’t tell Taiga that he wasn’t an outdoor person. It was amazing he reached this age, alive and had no thoughts of migrating, because all those spiders, bugs, rodents, snakes, crocs, and so on, he couldn’t deal with them. He doesn’t even own a single pair of thongs, because he preferred his feet covered even during summer.

“Look at our tent, it’s Shintaro’s and he allowed us to use it!” 

“Niiiice…” he said at the triangular-shaped tent, “Is that it? There’s no something like a…door?”

“Nah, it’s more breezy and we can enjoy the stars later.” 

“Uhm, is this place safe? Are there no snakes? Bugs? Rats? They could get in the tent.”

“Don’t worry,” said Taiga, still looking so enthusiastic, “Shintaro said as long as we keep the fire going, they wouldn’t dare.”

“Really?” He wanted to cry so bad. 

“Really. Now, let me start the fire.” 

He sighed. He couldn’t move and just watched Taiga rummage through an icebox and a duffel bag. 

“Fuck.”

His chest started drumming, Fuck never sounded good unless they were on the bed. Why didn’t Taiga reserve a bed instead? 

“Why? What’s wrong?”

“Can you make a fire? I left the other bag with duraflame, lighter, and gas burner for food.”

“What?” He didn’t want to sound upset and checked the duffel bag as well, “Are you sure - what are these?” He took out a huge stack of documents being held together by ginormous binder clips. 

“You forgot those, but you brought with you dissertations?”

Taiga simply shrugged. “I was hoping to do some light reading.”

“We could use this for fire.”

“No!” Taiga took the paper from him. “I’ll call Shintaro now…” He took out his phone and Hokuto watched Taiga’s face fall, “...as soon as I found a signal.” 

Hokuto sighed. He reached for his bag and his eyes grew wide. “Taiga…”

“What? I’m looking for a signal.” 

He tried to calm his nerves and reached for his bag. Maybe it wasn’t too late for him to find an Airbnb. “Taiga – where’s my bag?”

Taiga gasped. “Fuck.”

Taiga never found a signal. The miles and miles of rolling hills were soon blanketed by darkness like the cloak of the Grim Reaper. The air was bone-chilling. No stars dotted the horizon and even the moon was covered by clouds. Taiga brought out a string of LED lights, but he had to turn them off because it attracted the biggest moth Hokuto had ever seen. They had to eat beef jerky and dinner rolls for their dinner. Thankfully, they had beer and water to drink, but Hokuto only had a few sips, because he didn’t want another journey to the toilet. Unfamiliar and mortifying sounds echoed, he didn’t know why nocturnal animals had to make so much noise. And he couldn't even put his feet out of the tent. Despite Taiga’s protest, he kept his shoes on inside the tent. 

He thinks Taiga is upset at him, which is crazy because he has more right to be upset. 

“I’m sorry, I should have stayed and waited for you at the Uni,” said Taiga, his voice so morose with his back turned against him, and it made Hokuto feel awful. 

“Can I be honest?” 

Taiga glanced back. He couldn’t even see Taiga’s face properly as he chose to stay outside of the tent and wrap himself with a throw blanket. “You mean you weren’t honest all this time?”

“Don’t twist my words,” he said, sighing, “I hate the outdoors. Okay, I may like the outdoors as long as I don’t sleep outdoors. I prefer a bed with a proper toilet, not the dunny we went to earlier.” He felt like gagging after recalling the state of the toilet they had seen earlier. Like is there something about being outdoors that makes someone’s bowels go all out? 

“I hate it too, I just thought it would be…r-romantic.”

If he felt awful earlier, he now felt like the worst human being who walked the earth.

“I thought it would be nice to look at the stars, get warmed up with the campfire, and watch the sunrise together. But here we are...”

Hokuto sighed and bravely ventured out of the tent to hug Taiga from behind. 

“I’m sorry,” he said, burying his face on his shoulder. 

“I should be the one apologizing.”

Hokuto shook his head. “Nah. Thank you for doing this. It might be different from what you’ve planned, but since we’re celebrating weeksaries, we have more weeksaries to come. We can always try again…but none of this camping stuff.”

Taiga leaned back and rested his head on his shoulder. “Are you still mad at me?”

“I wasn’t mad,” he denied, “Upset? But I can never get mad at you.”

“Never?” 

“Don’t challenge me.” He planted a kiss on Taiga’s forehead, holding him close while they stared at the nothingness. And he guessed, there was something romantic in suffering; the idea of choosing to be together even though their tummies were grumbling.

“By the way, Hokuto…”

“Hmmm?”

“Uhm, please don’t get mad…”

“Why?”

“I think I need to pee again.”

“Not at that dunny!” He complained, groaning. “It’s pitch black anyway, no one can see you if you do it somewhere there.”

“But-” He paused as they saw a pair of headlights coming in their direction.

“Could that be Shintaro?” Taiga asked, breaking away from him and taking a few steps toward the light. 

The vehicle stopped and a huge man whose arms were covered with tattoos shone a light on them.

“Are you camping here?” The man asked, he was dressed like Steve Irwin and was looking at them as though they were trespassers. 

“Uhm, yes?” 

“Is it legal to camp here?” Hokuto whispered.  

“In the dark?” The man asked.

“Uhm, we left our gas burner and anything we can use to start a fire. And our LED lights attract moths.”

“I’m Mitch. Yours?”

“Taiga, and this is my friend, Hokuto.”

Hokuto raised an eyebrow, do “friends” celebrate weeksaries now? 

“Nice to meet yah, and I got both of yah, have a gas burner at my trailer. I’ll drive it back here so yah kids had some light.”

They were so elated that Hokuto chose to ignore Taiga’s slip-up for now.

“Thanks a lot,” they said in unison, and Hokuto added, “If it’s not too much to ask, can we also use the loo in your trailer?” 

“No worries, get in my truck!” 

They both smiled and as they buckled themselves in Mitch’s truck, Hokuto thought that if bad luck would rain on him because he chose to be with Taiga, then, so be it. He could endure anything, just to be with the one he loves.

Mar 2024

T 🩷 I G A

Taiga realized he knew nothing about depression. There were times when he would just lie in bed, and even opening his mouth to eat was too much work. Times when he would just stare into a void. Times when he wanted nothing but to re-read his old manga or continue his One Piece marathon. Times when he would almost empty-out his mother’s fridge. Times when he would find himself re-reading those dissertations he used to love so much. And times when he would just cry and ponder what had happened to his life. 

It was tiring and draining. It was like being capsized at sea and clinging to a piece of wood to stay afloat. Sometimes, letting go seems easier than hanging on to something and not knowing if it will even end. 

But he made a promise to himself after that fiasco. He would try to live. He would get better. He wanted to be like Hokuto and say, “Past is past”, because whether he admitted it or not, he kept coming back to the past. Every time he would take a step forward, he would be taking two steps back, and he would be back to where he started. 

So when his mother informed him that she had accepted an invitation from no less than the prime minister, he agreed as long as there wouldn’t be any reporters. He still didn’t think he deserved that bravery-something award, but he did it to appease his mother. The meeting and awarding happened, and only the prime minister’s PR team was there to cover the event. No one hounded him, but one reporter managed to ambush him on his way out. He knew her by name, Sarah Brown, one of Channel 9’s top reporters, gifted with striking looks and eloquence. She had no cameras with her, just her card, and told him that if he needed her help for whatever reason, he could call her. 

Initially, he thought she might be interested in him, and had no use for her card. But during those times when his default was to cry at everything he watched or read, he saw a documentary on how one kid recognized himself on a “missing ad” posted on a milk carton. He realized that was what he should do. An ad for an ad. But he didn’t think people still read newspapers that much, so he should go big. He picked up the card, and Sarah Brown is the only one who could help him. 

“Now I regret doing it. What did I do the interview in the first place? Why do I still keep doing things I will regret later on?” He shot a glance at his doctor, Kochi’s calm would sometimes intimidate him, but not this time, Kochi was tense and rigid.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about it. It happened so quickly that the next thing I knew, they were putting make-up on me.” 

Kochi nodded a couple of times, wordlessly, while he scribbled quickly on his pad. 

“You don’t have to apologize,” said Kochi, finally lifting his pen. “As your doctor, I’m not here to judge or condemn you for your decisions. I’m here to support and guide you through it.”

He nodded feebly, grateful for his doctor’s kind words when Kochi added, “You refused my help because you don’t want the police involved, but you involved the general public.” Kochi’s smirk said it all, and Taiga could only smirk back to hide his shame. 

“It was that bad, huh?” He asked.

“You said you regret doing the interview?”

Taiga nodded feebly. 

“Why do you regret it?” 

Taiga shut his eyes. The horror of seeing himself on TV returned like a continuation of a bad dream. “It – it was just embarrassing,” he said, cringing as he opened his eyes. “And it was so cheesy. I looked hopeless romantic, almost pitiful. Don’t you think so?” 

“What you felt afterwards is valid, but what was your biggest motivation for doing the interview? I doubted 60 Minutes knew about that story of yours.” 

“Well…” He thought about it hard, and he went back to his last conversation with Hokuto. It became an obsessive thought that he couldn’t let go of. Even Sarah Brown was initially against it,  thinking he could be a stalker. “...someone told me that ‘Past is past’, but is it really that way? Did I not become this way because I thought I left everything in the past, yet it continued to weigh me down? So I thought, I should go back to the past.”

“And you decided to look for the one who placed that ad?” Kochi’s intense gaze caught him by surprise before Kochi’s face went tense again. He didn’t want to dwell on it; his doctor had always supported his idea to go looking for CFM6, but his reaction at the moment made Taiga curious why his doctor seemed so invested in that matter. 

“Yes, even though I only learned of that ad recently, I felt like that person had been a part of an unknown past.” 

“What do you mean by an unknown past?” 

“Like my what-ifs. What if I saw that ad 9 years ago? What if I went there? What if we met? What if we hit it off? What would change with me? Would my life be the same? I thought of those things…”

“I see…hmmm…” Kochi resumed his hasty jottings, his face broody, and Taiga could only wonder about the things his doctor wouldn’t tell him. 

“Has 60 Minutes gotten back with you?”

He quickly nodded. “They did. They received over a hundred emails–”

“Over a hundred?” Kochi repeated, agog, but his hand continued to take notes.

“Yeah, I didn’t expect it to be that much. But the station narrowed them to 13.”

“Thirteen?” 

“Yep, and I’ll be meeting all of them over six days.” 

The note-taking stopped, his eyes lit up with fervor, and Taiga was more certain that Kochi was more keen on talking about his thoughts on CFM6. “You’ll be meeting them? Like in an interview? A date? With the TV crew or just the two of you?” He asked in rapid succession.

“That was what the station wanted at first, but I declined. I don’t want people to think I’m trying to pursue something more here, so I settled for a chat inside the station.” 

“A chat? That sounds safe.”

“Why does it have to be safe?”

Kochi appeared flustered as he explained, “Well…you’re in a vulnerable situation, I definitely don’t want you to be taken advantage of.” 

Taiga agreed. “My friend said almost the same thing, so he would be accompanying me on the first batch of chat today.” 

“T-that’s great,” said Kochi, relief apparent on his face before he went back to his inquisitive glance. “So those chats start today?” 

Taiga nodded. “I’m quite nervous, really, so having my friend with me is helpful.”

“Very well, let’s end our session today, so you can prepare. But just remember not to overthink during your chat, just enjoy the process.”

“Thank you, doctor, I also hope I get to enjoy the process.”

H 🖤 K U T O  

Hokuto was aghast. Over 100 people pretended to be him? The audacity of those jerks, if he didn’t see any semblance of himself in them, he would file a lawsuit.

“If I lose my license over this, you’re going to feed my husband and me for the rest of your life,” muttered Kochi after he relayed the news about Taiga’s impending interviews. 

“I swear that this is only between you and I. Even the ASIO can’t waterboard this info from me,” he whispered while colleagues of his started arriving in the conference room of TaRO Creatives, because Howard called for an emergency meeting. 

“You don’t need to do this if you’ll just admit to it!” complained Kochi. “Why can’t you just say that it’s you?”

“It’s complicated,” he argued. When the fear of possible humiliation thinned out, he realized he should be hurt instead. There he was, back in Taiga’s life, yet Taiga was looking for another man? Like sure, that man was him, but why would he want to go looking for that CFM6 when Hokuto was there? 

“It’s complicated,” he repeated. He couldn’t tell Kochi his thoughts, because he already knew how moronic it was to be jealous of his past self. 

Kochi still sounded pissed. “I have a meeting to go to, not a word about this to anyone, or I’ll waterboard you myself in Bondi while sharks swim around you.”

“Roger.” He ended the call and muttered to his agent beside him, “If this isn't a real emergency, I’m resigning immediately.”

Howard looked visibly distressed when he entered the conference room, but knowing his flair for drama, Hokuto decided not to buy it yet. 

“Thank you for being here at such short notice,” said Howard as he glanced tearfully at Hokuto, the three hosts, writers, and a few members from the marketing and advertising team. “But our show is in trouble.” He nodded at his assistant, and the TV ratings flashed on the screen. 

“For the past four episodes, our ratings just continued to dip.”

Hokuto wasn’t that concerned; after all, he really intended to end his reality TV show career after this season. The hosts didn’t look too thrilled, but as far as Hokuto knew, all of them were already paid until the end of the season. 

Howard seemed disappointed with the lukewarm reaction and added almost hysterically, “If this continues, no one might even watch our finale in a month.” 

“It’s not our fault the Islanders this season are just so dry in personality but wet down there,” said Heather, one of the hosts, “Everyone can tell no one will choose love even if it’s just pretend.” 

“I hate to agree with her,” said Cody, another host who hates Heather with passion, “But she’s right. The Islanders this season just didn’t have the charm, even a 1% likeability. Also, I’ve always been against putting exes in there. The bitterness just slaps on their faces.”

Halle, the nepo-baby host for their online viewers, chimed, “We really should have been involved in the selection process rather than left it to the Execs. They just went for the looks; silicone breasts and washboard abs, but couldn’t fucking tell a joke or have a dime of wisdom.”

Hokuto found his jaw hanging. He always left his agent to attend these kinds of meetings, and he never expected it to be this brutal. He wouldn’t be surprised if they ever spoke this way about him behind his back. 

“Uhm, one of those execs is your dad?” Heather said sarcastically. 

“And my dad also paid for your boob job,” quipped Halle that made Hokuto tilt his head to his agent since he lost the bet. It was so easy to tell Heather’s not a natural as she claimed to be, all thanks to the workout and keto diet. 

“Bitch-”

“Stop!” yelled Howard. “Your frostiness with each other is also the reason why our ratings suffered. Even 60 Minutes was doing better than us–” He paused, his eyes brimming with a “Eureka!” moment as his head snapped toward Hokuto.

“What?” He asked innocently, but he had a nagging suspicion about why Howard turned to him. 

“I saw your friend’s 60 Minutes interview,” said Howard, grinning widely, and Hokuto decided to drop the act. 

“My friend is none of your business,” he snapped, his heart pounding hard. 

“But…we could do business,” Howard said, dollar signs flashing in his eyes. “He could enter the mansion as a guest islander, but little did he know, the person he was looking for was also in the mansion!” 

He scoffed and asked bravely, “We only have 4 episodes left, can you find the one he’s looking for?” 

Howard’s excitement didn’t diminish. “I’m bad at finding people, but it’s easy to snare one with money,” he said while snapping his fingers.

“Good luck with that,” he said, confident that Howard would never be able to hook him with money, and just like that, he was back envying his past self who placed that ad.

“I say, ridiculous?” Halle argued. “Whoever left that ad had probably forgotten about it, and those who’ll take your offer are definitely fakes.” 

Hokuto mentally nodded, recalling those hundreds who pretended to be him until it narrowed to thirteen, who were all fakes as well.

Halle continued, “As Hokuto said, we only have 4 episodes left, and you’re not saying you’re going to waste manpower just to look for that person?”

“I hate agreeing with her, but she’s talking sense right now,” Heather countered, which made Halle roll her eyes. “That person might also be married or have kids right now. Or they probably change their preference, they could be gay, lesbian, or trans.”

“Always been gay,” he thought.

“That pretty man will have his heart broken by chasing this pipe dream,” Heather added. 

“No worries, I’ll be the one to connect the pipes, like Mario rescuing Princess Peach or something like that.”

“Sorry?” Cody interrupted, “Care to fill me in on this because I have no idea what you guys are talking about?”

The three H’s - Howard, Heather, and Halle quickly fill him in on the news, and he only has one thing to say afterwards. 

“As a believer that the universe conspires to help us achieve something,” he said with his fingers curled, “I think that they’ve met, but this pretty man had no idea about it.”

Hokuto straightened in his seat, his heart began beating wildly again. Cody might be ruthless and tactless, but he’s very intuitive.  

“But why would that person keep it a secret?” asked Heather. 

“Because that person didn’t want to be seen as a creep. It’s only in movies where something like that is seen as romantic. People who leave those ads are mostly psychos.”

He couldn’t help but wince. He didn’t relish being called a creep and a psycho, but he continued to listen to their conversation.

“So you think that person will never appear?” 

Cody shook his head with conviction. “Unlikely unless they get threatened.”

“But how do we threaten them if we don’t know them?” Heather asked, looking more excited at the prospect of threatening someone. 

“Not that kind of threat,” Cody cautioned. “But something like hiring someone to pretend, and let's ask this pretty man to also pretend to have fallen, and you know what’s next.”

Hokuto rolled his eyes. Their schemes would never work with him, especially because he knew everything. He finally decided to step in just to put an end to their plans. “Aren’t you guys getting ahead of yourself? That…pretty man hasn’t even agreed-”

“Oh, he did,” Howard interjected, and Hokuto just noticed that while the three were busy arguing, he’d been busy on his phone all along. He raised his phone for everyone to see. 

“Taiga Kyomoto just agreed to be our guest islander.”

None of their cheers reached Hokuto, color left his face, while his heart had reached dangerous levels.